How to Spot Friends, Enemies, Frenemies and Bullies

Stop bullies and discover who's a friend, an enemy, or in-between.
Published on March 31, 2010
Have you ever been confused about whether to call a schoolmate, family member, coworker, employee, boss, partner, acquaintance, or social contact a friend, an enemy, even a bully, or something in between - a "frenemy?" It turns out that getting clarity, identifying the taxonomy, taking action to prevent sadness, harm or even tragedy is possible, as confusing as it looks on first glance.

We owe Phoebe Prince, Megan Meier, and so many others like them an immediate attempt at understanding and stopping bullying. In its place there needs to be the opposite - an understanding of exactly what makes for a friend.

Maybe you've been on Facebook, Twitter, online matchmaking sites, or had email exchanges with an acquaintance or business contact, or schoolmate and felt concerned about your privacy, being labelled, slandered, or objectified for lack being known personally, or worrying about their intentions?

There's actually a quick, practical way of assessing this.

It may be a more important time than ever to know not just who your friends and enemies are, but those confusing social interactions which, for lack of personal information, connection and in-person meeting, are somewhere in between.

Whether we are talking about women or men, I am sure you have been "crossed" in your time - betrayed, let down, cheated, used, disrespected, or at least turned off in your friendships or dating. It's never been as raw, painful, and as urgent to understand the roots of these as it is right now - in light of yet another suicide in a youth after being chronically bullied - the sad story of Phoebe Prince.

I've thought about this a lot over the past few months, taking people I know or have known, side by side, and wondering what the common factors are. What was the common element in someone who proves to be a friend, an enemy, a bully or a "frenemy" after all is said and done.

This word, "frenemy," is one of those wonderful, comic neologisms was first mentioned on the TV drama, Sex and the City and more recently joked about by Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert, and yet on further reflection, you may realize that it is an incredibly useful word. It addresses those situations where someone smiles to our face, but eventually proves true to have had ulterior motives toward us. Someone who gives us praise one moment, but spreads gossip unnoticed by us the very next. Someone we hire as a consultant, for a service, or for guidance, or whom we know collegially, but are never quite sure is on our side. Is it the money we pay them, the interests we share or differ on, or simply because they are mature enough to often do what's right by others?

Maybe you have noticed that it's very possible to "like" a person and yet not "love" them, or to "love" a person but not "like" them at the moment. This dual aspect of liking and loving in a friendship occurs because these states take place in different areas of the brain. Intellectually, we "like those who are like us," as Robert Cialdini states in his book, Influence: the Power of Persuasion. We like those who share opinions, beliefs, values, goals and common experience or background. Emotionally, we love each other because, simply, we make each other happy and raise each other's self esteem. (Both of these are different things from "desire" or "passion.")

So we have a constructive criticism for our friends, in which we advise, point out flaws, suggest and direct them toward maturity and right without causing offense. We "like those who are like us," and yet, reciprocal altruism is also present in which we "like those who like us." Which is much like being an advocate for each other.


Critical Advocacy

Whether looking at an auto mechanic, a doctor, lawyer, business partner, cosigner on a loan, journalist you are working with, member of a sports team, club, or even someone you are considering to marry, there is an especially useful way to look at people, their intentions toward you, and the quality and degree of friendship bonds you share.

It turns out there are only two common factors to look at, and only one profile of another person absolutely guarantees they are on your side, on your team, and "with you" for the long haul.

I encapsulate it in a phrase I use now, called "Critical Advocacy."

Watching the latest celebrity scandals, political conflicts such as the atrocious harassment of Congressmen, or the ever shifting journalism landscape away from "just the facts" toward what they are calling "Advocacy Journalism," I looked at this term and wondered how it compared to the old view of the classical Critic - one who could be of either the constructive or destructive variety.

Add to this some thought about how important communication is in both our friendships and conflicts, and its inaccuracy when we don't really know others so well personally - that objectification of others that happens through electronic communication at times, and causes "spamming," "flaming," and the threatening, annoying, anonymous naysayers so known to clutter the internet with spiteful, hateful, childish comments.

Clearly, communication has two aspects - it conveys data on the one hand, but emotion on the other.

To read the actions and words of another through a filter for friendship, enemies, and everything in between - "frenemies" - we would need to address both parts. Both the "data" and the "emotion" in their behavior toward us.

"Critical Advocacy" fits that bill.



Your Critics

Someone who is a "critic" in your life - of the positive kind - has the three C's: Concern, Competence, and Constructiveness.

1. First, they are concerned about you enough to want details, and to speak in those details. They have the ability to pay attention to the world around them. They don't make flippant, sloppy, or thoughtless comments about you or in conversation with you. They are "present." They are self-aware, and observant.

2. They are competent to have an opinion on you, your life, and your actions. They aren't ill-informed about who you are, the issues at hand, and have some knowledge and experience with both. Not merely dependent on sheer intelligence, or necessitating it at all, they have a desire to learn and teach, have "lived in yoru shoes," or at least empathy about what it would be like to be you. Some of their expertise may be through formal education, but some through life's experience at the situations at hand. They know what they are talking about in other words.

3. And finally, they are constructive - positive and encouraging, not negative and destructive. They offer solutions and thoughtful suggestions, not merely a period at the end of a negative sentence. This necessitates having good boundaries and maturity, to be a collaborator and compromiser, willing to change their view with new information.

In other words, the Critic addresses the "data" - information about you and the friendship from a place of a mature intellect.

Destructive criticism is negative, opinion-based, and may even then be contaminated with a troubed personal history that has nothing to do with you.

Constructive criticism can be positive, but may be neutral, like a classical, admirable journalist of years past, and while the friend with critical skill may point out things to you that you could do better, need to change, or are even wrongful, they most often will also pair that with a suggested path to better living, solutions, and mutual happiness.

If you've ever had a friend, coworker or romantic relationship in which you knew the person was probably right in their opinion about you, but you left the interaction feeling shame, diminished self-esteem, or confused as to what to do next, you probably had just experienced destructive criticism from someone you can now be sure was other than a real friend.

In their communication to you, look for insight and competence, concern and attention, and the maturity that carries constructiveness with it. You need to know that they know what they are talking about - that they are a fit judge of you and your worth.