Coping with a toxic boss-Nancy the Narcissist

Coping with a toxic boss – “NANCY THE NARCISSIST”By Linnda Durre, Ph.D., Author of Surviving the Toxic Workplace – Protect Yourself Against Co-workers Bosses and Work Environments That Poison Your Day published by McGraw Hill, February 19, 2010.

As a business and corporate consultant and psychotherapist, I’ve analyzed, worked with, and consulted with many difficult bosses over the years. In order to cope and deal with them, you need to know why they act the way they do and how best to deal with them, in order to earn their respect, get things accomplished, change negative situations to positive ones, and preserve your sanity.

In my twice-monthly column, I will help you cope with a different type of boss, whether male or female. The previous ones include: Dick the Dictator, Bashia the Backstabber, Sewell the Sexual Harasser, Carl the Control Freak, Paula the Passive Aggressive, Clayton the Clueless, and Greta the Gossip, Susie the Sugar Coater, Ian the Idea Stealer, and Al the Alcoholic.

This week I discuss another difficult boss — Nancy the Narcissist, who is like Amanda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada.” The world revolves around her and she has no empathy or understanding for anyone. Proceed with caution.

SITUATION: Narcissists can be male or female. You can tell most of them by how impeccably they dress – their clothes, shoes, hair, make-up, nails, accessories, and every detail are all planned and usually of the highest quality – name brands and labels are status symbols to them. Most narcissists surround themselves with “Yes people” because don’t like confrontation or anyone to disagree with them. They insist on having everything go their way. You are merely a cog in the wheel; you are a minor planet who revolves around their sun. Narcissists don’t have friends, they have fans. Having real friends would constitute equality, sharing, being open and fair. They are usually incapable of such emotions.

Narcissism is a pattern of self-centered and selfish behavior. They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They have a lack of empathy and can be selfish, exploitive and manipulative. It’s difficult to get close to them, and they avoid friendships, relationships, and true intimacy.

They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and embellish their achievements and talents, or they expect to be recognized as superior without earning it. They name drop and like to know and be around famous, wealthy, accomplished people. Their grandiosity makes them believe they are special and have a sense of entitlement so they think they deserve special treatment. They think that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they’re doing to do what they want. When they don’t get their way, they can react with hurt or rage, lashing out, saying cruel and hurtful things. They have a great deal of disdain for normal, ordinary, average and hard working people and feel “those people” are worthless.

They live in their own little worlds and have fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, wealth, status, fame, and love. They require a daily diet of ego food so they need a great deal of admiration, praise, compliments, and expect to be bowed to – sometimes literally!

They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They can be very selfish, manipulative, and can take advantage of others, not really caring how it affects others. Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the others – you’ll have to work later, come in early, give up your lunch hour – all to meet their demands, do their errands, and please them.

They lack empathy; they can’t identify with other people’s problems or plights and have a hard time “walking a mile in another’s shoes.” They can be envious of other people and sometimes believe others are envious of them.

EXPLANATION: Their childhoods most likely were emotionally deprived – not enough bonding, love, attachment, and caring from their parents. They grew up believing relationships were dangerous and learned to avoid them. Others were overly praised, never had to work for anything, were given everything they asked for, and were pampered. They grew up without realistic expectations, were told they were perfect and they learned to live in their own little world. Many had narcissistic parents and so their role models were faulty, yet they emulated their parents with the accent on appearances, clothes, status, money, and materialism, believing that gave them self worth, self esteem, and happiness. Oh how wrong they are!

SOLUTION: Be prepared to be fired when and if you confront your narcissistic boss. They don’t like to be told they are wrong, flawed, or doing anything wrong. They believe they are perfect and like to stay in a position of power and control. It is difficult, yet you must set limits. Remember Anne Hathaway’s character Andrea “Andy” Sachs in “The Devil Wears Prada” had to quit. She couldn’t take it anymore, especially after she lost respect for Amanda.

When you confront Nancy, be as tactful as possible. Be prepared for the cold freeze out response and the silent treatment. They may retaliate to get back at you, for even the slightest thing. If it doesn’t get any better, go to HR and discuss it with them. Ask for a meeting with Nancy and the head of HR. If they do nothing, go to Nancy’s boss and ask for a meeting. Be prepared to be fired or you may have to quit if it gets too emotionally stressful for you. There’s a better job out there for you!

When and if you confront Nancy, you many want to say something like this: “Nancy, I enjoy working here and I admire your commitment to excellence. There are times I find your demands unrealistic and you don’t understand that I have a private life. I need to leave at 5 o’clock, and I won’t come in at 7 or 8 in the morning. Running personal errands for you is not in my job description. I do my work, and I think I do a very good job. There are times you seem impossible to please. No matter what I do, it’s not good enough and you criticize and nitpick over minor details that really don’t matter. I’d like you to relax, reel your demands in to earth level, and learn how to compliment me and others on a job well done. I am as committed to excellence as you are, and work is eight hours of my life. I enjoy working here and I hope we can come to an understanding and agreement on things. Thanks so much for listening and I’d like to hear what you have to say.”

—Linnda Durré, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, business consultant, corporate trainer, national speaker, and columnist. She has hosted and co-produced two live call-in TV shows, including “Ask The Family Therapist” on America’s Health Network, which was associated with Mayo Clinic and aired from Universal Orlando. She is the author of “Surviving the Toxic Workplace: Protect Yourself Against Co-Workers, Bosses, and Work Environments That Poison Your Day” (2010 – McGraw-Hill).