By Karen Leland Mar. 1, 2010, 7:00am PDT 51
Years ago, I worked with a woman who scared me silly. And I’m not easily scared. What I found the most frightening was the way she would lie, steal, cheat, manipulate, control, charm and cajole to get what she wanted. Oh, and by the way, she had to be the center of attention at all times as well.
What twisted my brain (and got my undies in bunches) was not that she did all this, but that she managed to do it so skillfully — and get away with it.
She was a master at playing people off each other, telling one story to one person and a different version of that same story to another. She was charming when it suited her and calculating about who she charmed. The upshot of this strategy was that if one of her co-workers (including me) tried to call her on any of it — or bring the behavior to our bosses’ attention — she would put her hands up and innocently say, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
This situation had a devastating effect on team morale and on our productivity, both as a group and as individuals. Problems that would normally have been handled with one quick conversation grew into gigantic group discussions. Decisions that were made and should have been followed with no argument by the whole team became undermined by her personal agenda. And the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I tried every good management consulting strategy I knew, and each and every one of them failed. Stressed, unproductive, angry and with a tightness in my chest that I swore was going to give me a heart attack, I sought out the services of a specialist.
The first thing this top-of-the-line professional asked me to do was describe, without judgment or interpretation, exactly what had happened. As well as I could, I recounted the facts of my encounters with Ms. Personality.
Within five minutes, the therapist began laughing and said, “Ahh, I see what the problem is. You are dealing with a classic, textbook narcissist. Of course nothing you are doing is working; you’re not playing by the same rules.”
He then went on to explain that people who are truly narcissistic, as opposed to the occasional moments of narcissism we all have, are driven to be the center of attention at all times and under all circumstances — and will do just about anything to make that happen. Here is the official definition of a narcissist from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance; is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love; believes that he or she is “special” and unique; requires excessive admiration; has a sense of entitlement; is interpersonally exploitative; lacks empathy; is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her and shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.OK, now’s the part where you should start thinking about the people in your life who might fit this bill.
Connie Dieken, author of the book “Talk Less, Say More,” says that if you’ve ever been the target of a narcissist’s anger or condemnation, their once-charming personality morphs into melt-down mode. “They lob verbal grenades at you and howl at the moon. It’s painful to be on the receiving end of their demanding, demeaning behavior,” says Dieken.
So what’s a web worker to do if a client turns out to be a bona fide nasty narcissist that’s sucking your productivity dry, the way a dog sucks marrow out of a bone? Dieken offers these five tips:
•Give them options. Beneath their bluster, narcissistic people fear being left out of the loop. They crave control. It’s far better to offer them options to choose from, rather than feeding them ready-made decisions. They’ll tear other people’s decisions to shreds. Giving them options helps them feel respected and in control. It also prevents nasty hissy fits.
•Focus on solutions, not problems. When you explain a problem or a challenge to a narcissist, direct their attention to the solution. Don’t allow them to dissect the problem over and over again. Narcissists love drama and revel in the chaos. They’re easily agitated when frustrated. Define problems and present possible solutions, so they don’t smell blood in the water and tear you apart.
•Make them the hero. Narcissists are preoccupied with power and truly believe they are special and unique. They live for attention and admiration. Want them to do something? Tell them how great they are at it and watch them perform. Better yet, praise their performance in front of others. Just keep it real, please.
•Let them think it’s their idea. Narcissists often steal the credit for ideas that aren’t theirs. Why do they do that? Strangely, they truly believe that hijacked results are their own. Grabbing credit is a driving force for them. If this gets things done, I say learn to live with it. Over time, everyone will catch on — wink, wink. Meantime, graciously transferring credit for ideas to them makes things happen.
•Manage their emotional blind spot. Egomaniacs lack empathy. They’re so caught up in their own world that it doesn’t occur to them to consider your feelings or viewpoints. It’s a huge blind spot. You must put your own feelings on the table, if you choose to do so. Just be smart about sharing feelings with a narcissist. Brace yourself for the guilt trips and disparaging criticism that narcissists often dole out when others explain how they feel.
For those of you reading this who have to deal with a narcissist gone wild, you have my empathy, but also my confidence. Knowing what I was dealing with and having some skills to work with, helped keep me sane. I never liked this woman, and I never trusted her, but I was able to quell my internal conflicts and get back to being productive — all while keeping one eye on my back.
Have you known a narcissist? What strategies have you used to handle them?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Coping with a toxic boss-Nancy the Narcissist
Coping with a toxic boss – “NANCY THE NARCISSIST”By Linnda Durre, Ph.D., Author of Surviving the Toxic Workplace – Protect Yourself Against Co-workers Bosses and Work Environments That Poison Your Day published by McGraw Hill, February 19, 2010.
As a business and corporate consultant and psychotherapist, I’ve analyzed, worked with, and consulted with many difficult bosses over the years. In order to cope and deal with them, you need to know why they act the way they do and how best to deal with them, in order to earn their respect, get things accomplished, change negative situations to positive ones, and preserve your sanity.
In my twice-monthly column, I will help you cope with a different type of boss, whether male or female. The previous ones include: Dick the Dictator, Bashia the Backstabber, Sewell the Sexual Harasser, Carl the Control Freak, Paula the Passive Aggressive, Clayton the Clueless, and Greta the Gossip, Susie the Sugar Coater, Ian the Idea Stealer, and Al the Alcoholic.
This week I discuss another difficult boss — Nancy the Narcissist, who is like Amanda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada.” The world revolves around her and she has no empathy or understanding for anyone. Proceed with caution.
SITUATION: Narcissists can be male or female. You can tell most of them by how impeccably they dress – their clothes, shoes, hair, make-up, nails, accessories, and every detail are all planned and usually of the highest quality – name brands and labels are status symbols to them. Most narcissists surround themselves with “Yes people” because don’t like confrontation or anyone to disagree with them. They insist on having everything go their way. You are merely a cog in the wheel; you are a minor planet who revolves around their sun. Narcissists don’t have friends, they have fans. Having real friends would constitute equality, sharing, being open and fair. They are usually incapable of such emotions.
Narcissism is a pattern of self-centered and selfish behavior. They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They have a lack of empathy and can be selfish, exploitive and manipulative. It’s difficult to get close to them, and they avoid friendships, relationships, and true intimacy.
They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and embellish their achievements and talents, or they expect to be recognized as superior without earning it. They name drop and like to know and be around famous, wealthy, accomplished people. Their grandiosity makes them believe they are special and have a sense of entitlement so they think they deserve special treatment. They think that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they’re doing to do what they want. When they don’t get their way, they can react with hurt or rage, lashing out, saying cruel and hurtful things. They have a great deal of disdain for normal, ordinary, average and hard working people and feel “those people” are worthless.
They live in their own little worlds and have fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, wealth, status, fame, and love. They require a daily diet of ego food so they need a great deal of admiration, praise, compliments, and expect to be bowed to – sometimes literally!
They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They can be very selfish, manipulative, and can take advantage of others, not really caring how it affects others. Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the others – you’ll have to work later, come in early, give up your lunch hour – all to meet their demands, do their errands, and please them.
They lack empathy; they can’t identify with other people’s problems or plights and have a hard time “walking a mile in another’s shoes.” They can be envious of other people and sometimes believe others are envious of them.
EXPLANATION: Their childhoods most likely were emotionally deprived – not enough bonding, love, attachment, and caring from their parents. They grew up believing relationships were dangerous and learned to avoid them. Others were overly praised, never had to work for anything, were given everything they asked for, and were pampered. They grew up without realistic expectations, were told they were perfect and they learned to live in their own little world. Many had narcissistic parents and so their role models were faulty, yet they emulated their parents with the accent on appearances, clothes, status, money, and materialism, believing that gave them self worth, self esteem, and happiness. Oh how wrong they are!
SOLUTION: Be prepared to be fired when and if you confront your narcissistic boss. They don’t like to be told they are wrong, flawed, or doing anything wrong. They believe they are perfect and like to stay in a position of power and control. It is difficult, yet you must set limits. Remember Anne Hathaway’s character Andrea “Andy” Sachs in “The Devil Wears Prada” had to quit. She couldn’t take it anymore, especially after she lost respect for Amanda.
When you confront Nancy, be as tactful as possible. Be prepared for the cold freeze out response and the silent treatment. They may retaliate to get back at you, for even the slightest thing. If it doesn’t get any better, go to HR and discuss it with them. Ask for a meeting with Nancy and the head of HR. If they do nothing, go to Nancy’s boss and ask for a meeting. Be prepared to be fired or you may have to quit if it gets too emotionally stressful for you. There’s a better job out there for you!
When and if you confront Nancy, you many want to say something like this: “Nancy, I enjoy working here and I admire your commitment to excellence. There are times I find your demands unrealistic and you don’t understand that I have a private life. I need to leave at 5 o’clock, and I won’t come in at 7 or 8 in the morning. Running personal errands for you is not in my job description. I do my work, and I think I do a very good job. There are times you seem impossible to please. No matter what I do, it’s not good enough and you criticize and nitpick over minor details that really don’t matter. I’d like you to relax, reel your demands in to earth level, and learn how to compliment me and others on a job well done. I am as committed to excellence as you are, and work is eight hours of my life. I enjoy working here and I hope we can come to an understanding and agreement on things. Thanks so much for listening and I’d like to hear what you have to say.”
—Linnda Durré, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, business consultant, corporate trainer, national speaker, and columnist. She has hosted and co-produced two live call-in TV shows, including “Ask The Family Therapist” on America’s Health Network, which was associated with Mayo Clinic and aired from Universal Orlando. She is the author of “Surviving the Toxic Workplace: Protect Yourself Against Co-Workers, Bosses, and Work Environments That Poison Your Day” (2010 – McGraw-Hill).
As a business and corporate consultant and psychotherapist, I’ve analyzed, worked with, and consulted with many difficult bosses over the years. In order to cope and deal with them, you need to know why they act the way they do and how best to deal with them, in order to earn their respect, get things accomplished, change negative situations to positive ones, and preserve your sanity.
In my twice-monthly column, I will help you cope with a different type of boss, whether male or female. The previous ones include: Dick the Dictator, Bashia the Backstabber, Sewell the Sexual Harasser, Carl the Control Freak, Paula the Passive Aggressive, Clayton the Clueless, and Greta the Gossip, Susie the Sugar Coater, Ian the Idea Stealer, and Al the Alcoholic.
This week I discuss another difficult boss — Nancy the Narcissist, who is like Amanda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada.” The world revolves around her and she has no empathy or understanding for anyone. Proceed with caution.
SITUATION: Narcissists can be male or female. You can tell most of them by how impeccably they dress – their clothes, shoes, hair, make-up, nails, accessories, and every detail are all planned and usually of the highest quality – name brands and labels are status symbols to them. Most narcissists surround themselves with “Yes people” because don’t like confrontation or anyone to disagree with them. They insist on having everything go their way. You are merely a cog in the wheel; you are a minor planet who revolves around their sun. Narcissists don’t have friends, they have fans. Having real friends would constitute equality, sharing, being open and fair. They are usually incapable of such emotions.
Narcissism is a pattern of self-centered and selfish behavior. They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They have a lack of empathy and can be selfish, exploitive and manipulative. It’s difficult to get close to them, and they avoid friendships, relationships, and true intimacy.
They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and embellish their achievements and talents, or they expect to be recognized as superior without earning it. They name drop and like to know and be around famous, wealthy, accomplished people. Their grandiosity makes them believe they are special and have a sense of entitlement so they think they deserve special treatment. They think that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they’re doing to do what they want. When they don’t get their way, they can react with hurt or rage, lashing out, saying cruel and hurtful things. They have a great deal of disdain for normal, ordinary, average and hard working people and feel “those people” are worthless.
They live in their own little worlds and have fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, wealth, status, fame, and love. They require a daily diet of ego food so they need a great deal of admiration, praise, compliments, and expect to be bowed to – sometimes literally!
They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They can be very selfish, manipulative, and can take advantage of others, not really caring how it affects others. Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the others – you’ll have to work later, come in early, give up your lunch hour – all to meet their demands, do their errands, and please them.
They lack empathy; they can’t identify with other people’s problems or plights and have a hard time “walking a mile in another’s shoes.” They can be envious of other people and sometimes believe others are envious of them.
EXPLANATION: Their childhoods most likely were emotionally deprived – not enough bonding, love, attachment, and caring from their parents. They grew up believing relationships were dangerous and learned to avoid them. Others were overly praised, never had to work for anything, were given everything they asked for, and were pampered. They grew up without realistic expectations, were told they were perfect and they learned to live in their own little world. Many had narcissistic parents and so their role models were faulty, yet they emulated their parents with the accent on appearances, clothes, status, money, and materialism, believing that gave them self worth, self esteem, and happiness. Oh how wrong they are!
SOLUTION: Be prepared to be fired when and if you confront your narcissistic boss. They don’t like to be told they are wrong, flawed, or doing anything wrong. They believe they are perfect and like to stay in a position of power and control. It is difficult, yet you must set limits. Remember Anne Hathaway’s character Andrea “Andy” Sachs in “The Devil Wears Prada” had to quit. She couldn’t take it anymore, especially after she lost respect for Amanda.
When you confront Nancy, be as tactful as possible. Be prepared for the cold freeze out response and the silent treatment. They may retaliate to get back at you, for even the slightest thing. If it doesn’t get any better, go to HR and discuss it with them. Ask for a meeting with Nancy and the head of HR. If they do nothing, go to Nancy’s boss and ask for a meeting. Be prepared to be fired or you may have to quit if it gets too emotionally stressful for you. There’s a better job out there for you!
When and if you confront Nancy, you many want to say something like this: “Nancy, I enjoy working here and I admire your commitment to excellence. There are times I find your demands unrealistic and you don’t understand that I have a private life. I need to leave at 5 o’clock, and I won’t come in at 7 or 8 in the morning. Running personal errands for you is not in my job description. I do my work, and I think I do a very good job. There are times you seem impossible to please. No matter what I do, it’s not good enough and you criticize and nitpick over minor details that really don’t matter. I’d like you to relax, reel your demands in to earth level, and learn how to compliment me and others on a job well done. I am as committed to excellence as you are, and work is eight hours of my life. I enjoy working here and I hope we can come to an understanding and agreement on things. Thanks so much for listening and I’d like to hear what you have to say.”
—Linnda Durré, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, business consultant, corporate trainer, national speaker, and columnist. She has hosted and co-produced two live call-in TV shows, including “Ask The Family Therapist” on America’s Health Network, which was associated with Mayo Clinic and aired from Universal Orlando. She is the author of “Surviving the Toxic Workplace: Protect Yourself Against Co-Workers, Bosses, and Work Environments That Poison Your Day” (2010 – McGraw-Hill).
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
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