Monday, August 9, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Impact of Narcissism on Leadership and Sustainability
Bruce Gregory, Ph.D.
© 1999
In our society, the self focus known as narcissism interferes with and ultimately undermines leadership and efforts towards sustainability. This chapter will define the problem, address some of the skills necessary to interface effectively and proactively with individuals exhibiting narcissism, and offer alternatives for positive transformations and sustainability.
INTRODUCTION
THE SOURCE OF NARCISSISM
FACTORS ENABLING NARCISSISM TO SABOTAGE SUSTAINABILITY
RECOGNIZING NARCISSISM IN ACTION
INTERACTING EFFECTIVELY WITH NARCISSISM FORCES
SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
LEADERS WHO FOUGHT NARCISSISTIC FORCES
CONCLUSION
About Bruce Gregory
INTRODUCTION
As we explore ways of achieving sustainability on a variety of levels, it can be instructive to consider, understand and appreciate some of the forces which hinder its realization. While sustainability utilizes mutual respect and an attitude of cooperation which maximizes the appreciation of resources, other forces work from almost polar opposite premises. These forces operate on both intrapersonal and interpersonal levels. For the purposes of this chapter we focus primarily on interpersonal dynamics, because it is at the interpersonal and group levels that the consequences of these forces are most devastating to realizing sustainability. However, to be comprehensive we shall include briefly how intrapersonal dynamics influence issues relative to sustainability.
One of the main forces opposing efforts to achieve sustainability is narcissism, and narcissistic defenses. Both are often misunderstood and unrecognized as they undermine efforts at promoting sustainability. These forces are universal, and exist in almost all organizations in some form. They are effective for three main reasons; first, they are unrecognized; second, people are unprepared mentally and emotionally to deal with them; and lastly people under appreciate the dynamics of empowerment.
Twenty years ago when one heard the phrase "he or she is so narcissistic" people would be reminded of the Greek story of Narcissus staring at his own reflection in a pool of water. Since that time through the work of Heinz Kohut, James Masterson, Robert Johnson and others we have gained a much more thorough understanding of narcissism, its manifestations, dynamics, and its consequences in interpersonal settings. It is important to understand and appreciate that these dynamics operate the same whether they are in the private, work or public sectors.
Below is a chart which summarizes the parts of the narcissistic self. The pie chart can be an effective tool in gaining a working understanding of narcissistic defenses because it breaks the defense into components. This is important because the parts represent the exact opposite of what narcissism is addicted to: a complete domination over whatever space or situation it finds itself, which serves as an affirmation of its grandiosity and its all powerful nature.
In order to appreciate the resources and commitment necessary to neutralize narcissism's sabotage of efforts to achieve sustainability, it is important to understand how narcissism is related to other aspects of the self inside of each individual. Although they may be called by different names by different branches of the psychological world, there are basically four parts of the self. First is the core self, which is the part of the self that contains a person's resources, such as trust, patience curiosity, determination, courage, the ability to discriminate, frustration tolerance, etc. Second is the real self, that part of the self that generates feelings such as joy, love, anger, sadness, frustration, fear, etc. Third is the false self that contains and maintains defenses that generally reflect different aspects of the fear of being real. These include, but are not limited to, the defenses of projection, avoidance, acting out, withdrawal, withholding and intellectualization. Narcissism, the fourth part of the self, is also a defense complex. It is another aspect of the false self, but it doesn't present fear on the surface, even though fear is the driving force at its core.
On the surface narcissism presents so the individual appears as confident and entitled. NARCISSISM loves and demands attention to reinforce its grandiosity. It needs to dominate and control the "space," to be "more special" than anyone else. It also needs perfection and immediate gratification to satisfy its all powerful aspect of its grandiosity. As a result, inside the individual, the narcissism feels extremely arrogant.
However, underneath the surface narcissism is fragile. Disappointment and frustration threaten its grandiosity, leaving it vulnerable to feelings of shame and humiliation exacerbated by its harsh, punitive component. Along with the shame and humiliation come deep fears of annihilation which are fueled by the black and white, rigid thinking component: "if I am not perfect and all powerful, then I am nothing." The extreme fear of being found out to not be omnipotent requires the narcissism to resort to hiding its deeper nature. This act of hiding ultimately leaves the narcissistic self vulnerable to forces that have trust at their core, not fear.
.
THE SOURCE OF NARCISSISM
The roots of the narcissistic self are both developmental and genetic. Developmentally, nature provides the infant for approximately its first eighteen months of life with the narcissistic defense. This defense provides a safe way for the infant to experience the world, shielding her from an overwhelming sense of vulnerability, helplessness and dependence that is present during this stage of life. In its place the young human being experiences being the center of the world, experiences being one with her mother, and experiences being all-powerful.
These experiences provides a sense of grandiosity which facilitates and sustains the infant's sense that there are no limits in his world. Towards the end of the eighteen month period nature initiates a psychological transformation whereupon the infant's experience of oneness with the mother begins to disintegrate, activating the separation phase commonly known as the "terrible twos". Depending on a number of factors which include but are not necessarily limited to the mother's ability to be responsive and sensitive to her child's needs during this period, the limits and consequences provided by the parents between the ages of two and ten, and the degree of abuse the child is exposed to in the first seven years of her life the narcissistic defense will be more or less integrated within her being, and will not exercise a dominant role in her experience or behavior, leaving only the purely genetic of the narcissistic self.
This purely genetic component has been better understood by eastern psychology, especially Tibetan Buddhism, than by western psychology. Buddhist psychology calls this component the ego. The term is meant to represent the part of the self that thinks it is "the greatest" and the "smartest," so smart that it can get away with things, especially fooling people with regard to its intent, and masking the depths of fear which permeate its core. Further, the ego thinks of itself as so powerful that it thinks it can exercise a kind of control theoretically available only to divine forces. These experiences are also part of the infant's world, but here the emphasis is more on "greatest," "smartest" and control.
The Buddhist's use of the term ego is significantly different from Western usage, which actually varies depending on the group using the term. For example Jungians use the term to reflect the personality part of the self, and Freudians use it to represent the part that mediates reality.
There is another additional aspect of appreciating the ego that is relevant to the understanding of the relationship between narcissism and sustainability. This is the treatment of the ego; giving the ego certain kinds of consistent, sensitive attention and guidance helps to facilitate a healing of the split between eastern and western cultures. Both western and eastern cultures have felt alienated from and superior to each other. It is the ego, hiding deep inside the core of the narcissistic self that aids and sustains this division through its rigid demand that its way, whether it is the east's honoring of being or the west's addiction to doing. Sustainability advocates balance, which is facilitated by the reorganization of the ego's influence on a person's experience and behavior.
FACTORS ENABLING NARCISSISM TO SABOTAGE SUSTAINABILITY
How do these developmental and genetic factors which become dominant aspects of both individuals' and groups' consciousness and behaviors interfere with efforts at sustainability? The narcissistic defense seeks to dominate every space in which it participates – both on individual and group levels. This force of narcissism is interested in, committed to, and obsessed with power and control, and it will sacrifice people and resources indiscriminately. The narcissistic defense interferes by stonewalling, intimidating, and dominating attention in group settings.
NARCISSISM is distinguished from true leadership (which shares attention) by narcissism’s use, abuse and exploitation of people, as opposed to enhancing and facilitating the value of others. Sustainability is dependent on collaborative, mutually complementary group efforts that seek to maximize benefits for the largest amount of people without exploiting each other or the integrity of the environment. This is offensive to narcissism because it is in direct contradiction to narcissism’s values of dominance, exploitation and control.
So what does narcissism do in the presence of sustainability proponents? It resists. It resists in a methodical, calculated way toward the end of either distracting, derailing, or simply stopping whatever program the sustainability contingent is seeking to implement. Character assassination, misinformation, and blocking access to funding and other resources are commonly employed methods.
Before we discuss how narcissism can be detected and engaged effectively, it is important to review factors which contribute to narcissism being able to effectively control situations and relationships. First, if a person or a group is unaware of his or its narcissism, they will often be unable to recognize the presence of a narcissistic force. It is a well known dynamic in most psychological circles that if one is denying or cut off from an aspect of the self, it is very difficult position to recognize this aspect in others.
Second, many people have the fantasy that if they try hard, "do it right," be reasonable, logical, and have goodwill and a team approach, these factors will generate a positive outcome in interpersonal or group settings. This is about as deep a fantasy as one could possibly have, as it is not based in reality. Why is this? It is not based in reality because a narcissist survival is dependent on having control, or the perception of control. When a narcissist's control is challenged (and this is what efforts toward sustainability do by definition), he becomes threatened, and responds like his survival is at stake, transforming the environment into a veritable jungle. This is not the friendly environment of Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood! In addition narcissism is disdainful of such attitudes (fantasies).
A third factor which reinforces the stranglehold narcissism can have is when people are committed to being "nice" or fair, and as a result are unwilling or unprepared to hold the narcissist accountable for positions or behaviors. Finally, an unwillingness to "go for the throat," as champions do in sporting events, only allows narcissism to recycle and feed off its commitment to domination.
RECOGNIZING NARCISSISM IN ACTION
When the narcissistic defense is operating in an interpersonal or group setting, the grandiose part does not show its face in public. In public it presents a front of patience, congeniality, and confident reasonableness. However, beneath the surface it is supremely smug and superior. It is confident it can deceive the "fools" or their objective it is committed to blocking, while maintaining its own control and dominance over either the rules, and/or the flow of events.
It is critical to understand that the narcissistic defense is addicted to power and control. It, the defense, and they, the people who are controlled and possessed by the defense, must have power. The addict in the private sector gains power by instantaneously gratifying his needs through drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling. The addict, or the person or group dominated by the narcissist, gains and holds power by dominating and controlling the flow of information, the rules, and the processes for participating in life.
One of the best places to spot narcissism, unfortunately, is at the top of a company or a public organization. The narcissism can be detected by being sensitive to resistance from the top. The top, or the person or persons at the top, will resist efforts toward change in process or structure. The resistance is communicated through a variety of techniques: always needing more information, appearing confused or having a lack of clarity; excuses; premeditated "blowups" or other distractions from whatever the issues being considered. A common example is as follows: a position needs to be filled in order for an important project to move forward. The boss, preferring control over progress and efficiency, delays and delays the hiring of the new executive, consistently finding something wrong with either the candidates or the search firm.
Another common sign of narcissism is the experience of pressure. This pressure comes from the unrelenting demand for perfection which is necessary to the narcissism if the grandiosity and illusion of omnipotence is to be maintained. The employee or group member will feel pressure either to conform, or to continue producing until exhaustion. The pressure is unpleasant and contains the negative expectation that people can't meet objectives through their own resources and cooperative participation without pressure from above. It devalues pride of accomplishment, commitment, and capacity to follow through and complete tasks.
When narcissism perceives that it could lose control of a situation or process, it often feels threatened. The grandiosity's sense of omnipotence is being threatened. When this happens, narcissism's response can be one of character assassination of those who are threatening its objectives. The presence of character assassination is another way of detecting the presence of narcissism.
There is another important way to recognize narcissism. Narcissism is often contained in language through the use of "I". If a person listens carefully to another's use of "I" one can detect the grandiosity inside, the part speaking for the whole.
INTERACTING EFFECTIVELY WITH NARCISSISM FORCES
Recognizing the presence of narcissistic forces is an important aspect of the transformational process. Moving to the next phase, interacting effectively with narcissistic forces, involves a number of important factors which include: awareness of and freedom from victim complexes, freedom from being intimidated, skills to deal with intimidation efforts, excellent emotional boundaries, accountability skills, skills for building consensus with others in the group, empowering others, and a highly developed inner ability to tolerate frustration and anxiety.
Most people feel victimized by narcissistic forces and narcissists. This is because they have felt consistently oppressed, suppressed, or frustrated by narcissistic forces (e.g. bosses, companies, owners, partners, religious organizations, governments). This becomes problematic in terms of achieving sustainability. When one is in a "victim state," one sees the oppressor as the enemy, as the one with the power, and as a result, the victim is easily manipulated into frustration and anger. The narcissist will utilize this dynamic to incite people into emotional states which can be exploited into distractions from the core issues.
Victim states can be detected by the accent the person puts on "they, them, he or she", which conveys that the other is bad. The most debilitating component of victimhood in terms of sustainability and transformation is that the victim perceives the power as being in the other and outside of oneself. This is in direct opposition to a principle tenet of sustainability that power is shared, and essential power is achieved through collaboration, not dominance.
Narcissistic forces are also critical; they can be harsh in their judgments of anything short of perfection. They can be bullying and abusive in their verbal criticism, daring others to challenge their destructive communication tactics. Their underlying message contains some or all of the following: "I can intimidate you anytime I want. You are afraid to stand up to me, to challenge me. You are weak and spineless. Sometimes I will say something that I know is completely untrue or bullshit just to prove that you won't challenge me." Intimidation is used like a large boulder on a mountain road, saying "deal with me, or go down the mountain, and forget going ahead. I am the roadblock through which you must go."
SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
Skills for dealing with attempts to intimidate can be divided into two areas, intrapersonal and interpersonal. Intrapersonally, it is essential not to react. This means that reactions of fear, impatience, or anger are not practical. In their place should be patience and curiosity. On an interpersonal level, responses and questions like, "that's interesting; could you explain that?; or, "I am not clear about that; would you please clarify (or elaborate)?; or, "it seems like there is a contradiction in your logic." All of these can generate positive results in terms of reducing the control of the narcissistic forces. This is done through the non-reaction, which communicates, "you are not so powerful that you can manipulate me, or us, and distract us from the issue. It is also done through the questions which communicate, "I/we are not afraid of you; we are not leaving the space/situation to your control alone; we will challenge you if necessary; you cannot win through intimidation or disinformation."
Excellent individual emotional boundaries are so critical for dealing with narcissism. These emotional boundaries prevent the force of the narcissism emotions from throwing an individual off balance. The emotional boundaries are also helpful in not taking the narcissism's actions or positions personally. The narcissism, consumed and driven by the grandiosity, feels responsible for everything; therefore, all failures, frustrations, and disappointments are its fault, and are directed personally at it. In interacting with narcissism, one does not want to fall into the narcissist's world and take what is going on personally. Narcissism's actions are indiscriminate. They are directed toward any object, person or group that threatens its control, domination and grandiosity. An excellent emotional boundary system does not allow the force of another person's emotions to penetrate one's own personal space.
Accountability skills are another important tool in the sustainability advocate's arsenal. Accountability skills, used in group settings, are extremely educational to promote awareness regarding the dynamics of power. Accountability skills reduce the tendency to be a victim, and provide inspiration and support for persons looking for the courage to successfully challenge narcissistic forces. Accountability creates "space" by obligating narcissistic forces to substantiate positions, communication and behavior. Accountability skills generate the conditions that require narcissistic forces to take responsibility for their intent or give up their position.
Questions like the following are the medium for accountability skills:
How did you come to your decision/position?
What factors influenced your decision?
Have you considered the possibility that you are contradicting yourself?
Have you considered that you have avoided considering some important factors?
Can you clarify your intent and how it includes the following factors (e.g. your lack of accurate information/your resistance/your unwarranted/excessive criticism (which is actually character assassination)?
Transformation in accordance with principles of sustainability is dependent upon an individual and groups of individuals having and utilizing sufficient trust in themselves and in natural law to withstand the efforts of narcissistic forces to intimidate, mystify, and control major processes of life. The seeds of empowerment are contained within a world of trust, and its many subsets. There are many areas in which to develop trust before a persons or persons can amass sufficient power to transform the holds narcissistic forces maintain. These include: trust in oneself; trust that natural law supercedes the will and tenacity of narcissistic forces; trusting that narcissistic forces at their core do not come from strength, but from desperation; trust in one's skills to empower others by helping them to break down fears into manageable segments, and by asking questions that challenge others to think for themselves, and take responsibility for their positions.
In order to utilize this deep, inner reservoir of trust it is important to have highly developed tolerances for frustration, ambiguity and anxiety. Transformation often takes a long time and involves complex processes that parallel natural laws obeying temporal factors which are in direct contrast to narcissism's insistence upon immediate gratification. If we examine transformation briefly from the perspectives of biology and chemistry, we will notice that molecular processes continually taking place at the cellular level require heat. Heat is often associated with passion, whose activity is blocked by significant amounts of fear and anxiety. A leader must to able to facilitate the transformation of fear in others, not react to the fear of others, and contain and transform the fear within herself. Without this, focus is lost, and it becomes impossible to manifest the necessary combinations of interdependent resources that sustainability processes require.
LEADERS WHO FOUGHT NARCISSISTIC FORCES
There are many examples of leaders in history, some political, some religious, who have taken stands against narcissistic forces. It could be said that Jesus took a stand against the rigid, all knowing body of the Jewish Sanhedrin. Martin Luther's Wittenberg Doctrine transformed Christianity, breaking the Catholic Church's domination over the teachings of Christ.
One of the most notable political leaders in American history who challenged the forces of narcissism was President Andrew Jackson, the hero of the Battle of New Orleans against the British. Jackson was about to run for re-election approximately 160 years ago. Jackson, like a few other presidents before and after him, whose fraternity of like thinkers included Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln, was embroiled in a battle with Nicholas Biddle, the president of the Bank of the United States. It was Jackson's position, adopted previously by Jefferson, and later by Lincoln, that this central bank, which was private, and not part of the government, did not have the right to control and dominate the money supply for the entire United States of America.
Jackson understood that whoever controlled the money supply basically controlled the economy and the country. Biddle was a part of the "eastern establishment," which at that time was already partnered with foreign interests who were the majority of the stockholders of the Bank of the United States. Biddle attempted to intimidate Jackson by asking for the bank's charter to be renewed earlier than was necessary because he assumed Jackson would not have the courage or principle to take the fight to the people, and run his re-election campaign with the stopping of the bank at the top of its platform. Biddle and his group wanted control and dominance if the economy and the country. Jackson, like Jefferson and Lincoln, believed that the best interests of the vast majority of Americans was not served by a private central bank, whose main motives were profit, power, and control for a select few. Jackson stood his ground, took the fight to the people and won his re-election as Biddle’s attempt at intimidation failed.
CONCLUSION
Unless one has the experience of dealing with narcissism, it is difficult to appreciate how strong a force drives the grandiosity of the narcissism. Remember the phrases, "I am the greatest; I am all powerful; the space is mine; it belongs to me; only what I want matters." Furthermore, since narcissism is ruled by "black and white" thinking, it is great, or it is nothing, and therefore a failure. There is no space for collaboration, for becoming or for emergence of a process.
There are many other examples in history to examine processes involving narcissism and its forces. We can look to family systems and the treatment of addicts if we choose to look at narcissism up close and personal. Wherever we look, however, we find a formidable force that needs to be understood and respected. Good will and motivations to serve the common good need to be complemented by education about processes that interfere with change and transformation.
We now find ourselves at a juncture in history where evolutionary transformation is inevitable. The more information and preparation we have to deal with narcissistic forces, the more able we will be able to remain aligned with transformational processes as they unfold.
About Bruce Gregory
Bruce Gregory, Ph.D. is a corporate behavioral specialist with almost twenty years of experience working with corporations and executives. He specializes in crisis intervention, Leadership training, team building, conflict resolution, and communications Training. He is also the Director of the Masters Program in Counseling Psychology at Ryokan College in Los Angeles. He has led workshops in the Art of Leadership at Esalen Institute. He has worked with corporations both in the United States and Europe. … He can be reached at (818) 781-3098 and his email address is theartofleadership.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Gregory, Ph.D.
© 1999
In our society, the self focus known as narcissism interferes with and ultimately undermines leadership and efforts towards sustainability. This chapter will define the problem, address some of the skills necessary to interface effectively and proactively with individuals exhibiting narcissism, and offer alternatives for positive transformations and sustainability.
INTRODUCTION
THE SOURCE OF NARCISSISM
FACTORS ENABLING NARCISSISM TO SABOTAGE SUSTAINABILITY
RECOGNIZING NARCISSISM IN ACTION
INTERACTING EFFECTIVELY WITH NARCISSISM FORCES
SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
LEADERS WHO FOUGHT NARCISSISTIC FORCES
CONCLUSION
About Bruce Gregory
INTRODUCTION
As we explore ways of achieving sustainability on a variety of levels, it can be instructive to consider, understand and appreciate some of the forces which hinder its realization. While sustainability utilizes mutual respect and an attitude of cooperation which maximizes the appreciation of resources, other forces work from almost polar opposite premises. These forces operate on both intrapersonal and interpersonal levels. For the purposes of this chapter we focus primarily on interpersonal dynamics, because it is at the interpersonal and group levels that the consequences of these forces are most devastating to realizing sustainability. However, to be comprehensive we shall include briefly how intrapersonal dynamics influence issues relative to sustainability.
One of the main forces opposing efforts to achieve sustainability is narcissism, and narcissistic defenses. Both are often misunderstood and unrecognized as they undermine efforts at promoting sustainability. These forces are universal, and exist in almost all organizations in some form. They are effective for three main reasons; first, they are unrecognized; second, people are unprepared mentally and emotionally to deal with them; and lastly people under appreciate the dynamics of empowerment.
Twenty years ago when one heard the phrase "he or she is so narcissistic" people would be reminded of the Greek story of Narcissus staring at his own reflection in a pool of water. Since that time through the work of Heinz Kohut, James Masterson, Robert Johnson and others we have gained a much more thorough understanding of narcissism, its manifestations, dynamics, and its consequences in interpersonal settings. It is important to understand and appreciate that these dynamics operate the same whether they are in the private, work or public sectors.
Below is a chart which summarizes the parts of the narcissistic self. The pie chart can be an effective tool in gaining a working understanding of narcissistic defenses because it breaks the defense into components. This is important because the parts represent the exact opposite of what narcissism is addicted to: a complete domination over whatever space or situation it finds itself, which serves as an affirmation of its grandiosity and its all powerful nature.
In order to appreciate the resources and commitment necessary to neutralize narcissism's sabotage of efforts to achieve sustainability, it is important to understand how narcissism is related to other aspects of the self inside of each individual. Although they may be called by different names by different branches of the psychological world, there are basically four parts of the self. First is the core self, which is the part of the self that contains a person's resources, such as trust, patience curiosity, determination, courage, the ability to discriminate, frustration tolerance, etc. Second is the real self, that part of the self that generates feelings such as joy, love, anger, sadness, frustration, fear, etc. Third is the false self that contains and maintains defenses that generally reflect different aspects of the fear of being real. These include, but are not limited to, the defenses of projection, avoidance, acting out, withdrawal, withholding and intellectualization. Narcissism, the fourth part of the self, is also a defense complex. It is another aspect of the false self, but it doesn't present fear on the surface, even though fear is the driving force at its core.
On the surface narcissism presents so the individual appears as confident and entitled. NARCISSISM loves and demands attention to reinforce its grandiosity. It needs to dominate and control the "space," to be "more special" than anyone else. It also needs perfection and immediate gratification to satisfy its all powerful aspect of its grandiosity. As a result, inside the individual, the narcissism feels extremely arrogant.
However, underneath the surface narcissism is fragile. Disappointment and frustration threaten its grandiosity, leaving it vulnerable to feelings of shame and humiliation exacerbated by its harsh, punitive component. Along with the shame and humiliation come deep fears of annihilation which are fueled by the black and white, rigid thinking component: "if I am not perfect and all powerful, then I am nothing." The extreme fear of being found out to not be omnipotent requires the narcissism to resort to hiding its deeper nature. This act of hiding ultimately leaves the narcissistic self vulnerable to forces that have trust at their core, not fear.
.
THE SOURCE OF NARCISSISM
The roots of the narcissistic self are both developmental and genetic. Developmentally, nature provides the infant for approximately its first eighteen months of life with the narcissistic defense. This defense provides a safe way for the infant to experience the world, shielding her from an overwhelming sense of vulnerability, helplessness and dependence that is present during this stage of life. In its place the young human being experiences being the center of the world, experiences being one with her mother, and experiences being all-powerful.
These experiences provides a sense of grandiosity which facilitates and sustains the infant's sense that there are no limits in his world. Towards the end of the eighteen month period nature initiates a psychological transformation whereupon the infant's experience of oneness with the mother begins to disintegrate, activating the separation phase commonly known as the "terrible twos". Depending on a number of factors which include but are not necessarily limited to the mother's ability to be responsive and sensitive to her child's needs during this period, the limits and consequences provided by the parents between the ages of two and ten, and the degree of abuse the child is exposed to in the first seven years of her life the narcissistic defense will be more or less integrated within her being, and will not exercise a dominant role in her experience or behavior, leaving only the purely genetic of the narcissistic self.
This purely genetic component has been better understood by eastern psychology, especially Tibetan Buddhism, than by western psychology. Buddhist psychology calls this component the ego. The term is meant to represent the part of the self that thinks it is "the greatest" and the "smartest," so smart that it can get away with things, especially fooling people with regard to its intent, and masking the depths of fear which permeate its core. Further, the ego thinks of itself as so powerful that it thinks it can exercise a kind of control theoretically available only to divine forces. These experiences are also part of the infant's world, but here the emphasis is more on "greatest," "smartest" and control.
The Buddhist's use of the term ego is significantly different from Western usage, which actually varies depending on the group using the term. For example Jungians use the term to reflect the personality part of the self, and Freudians use it to represent the part that mediates reality.
There is another additional aspect of appreciating the ego that is relevant to the understanding of the relationship between narcissism and sustainability. This is the treatment of the ego; giving the ego certain kinds of consistent, sensitive attention and guidance helps to facilitate a healing of the split between eastern and western cultures. Both western and eastern cultures have felt alienated from and superior to each other. It is the ego, hiding deep inside the core of the narcissistic self that aids and sustains this division through its rigid demand that its way, whether it is the east's honoring of being or the west's addiction to doing. Sustainability advocates balance, which is facilitated by the reorganization of the ego's influence on a person's experience and behavior.
FACTORS ENABLING NARCISSISM TO SABOTAGE SUSTAINABILITY
How do these developmental and genetic factors which become dominant aspects of both individuals' and groups' consciousness and behaviors interfere with efforts at sustainability? The narcissistic defense seeks to dominate every space in which it participates – both on individual and group levels. This force of narcissism is interested in, committed to, and obsessed with power and control, and it will sacrifice people and resources indiscriminately. The narcissistic defense interferes by stonewalling, intimidating, and dominating attention in group settings.
NARCISSISM is distinguished from true leadership (which shares attention) by narcissism’s use, abuse and exploitation of people, as opposed to enhancing and facilitating the value of others. Sustainability is dependent on collaborative, mutually complementary group efforts that seek to maximize benefits for the largest amount of people without exploiting each other or the integrity of the environment. This is offensive to narcissism because it is in direct contradiction to narcissism’s values of dominance, exploitation and control.
So what does narcissism do in the presence of sustainability proponents? It resists. It resists in a methodical, calculated way toward the end of either distracting, derailing, or simply stopping whatever program the sustainability contingent is seeking to implement. Character assassination, misinformation, and blocking access to funding and other resources are commonly employed methods.
Before we discuss how narcissism can be detected and engaged effectively, it is important to review factors which contribute to narcissism being able to effectively control situations and relationships. First, if a person or a group is unaware of his or its narcissism, they will often be unable to recognize the presence of a narcissistic force. It is a well known dynamic in most psychological circles that if one is denying or cut off from an aspect of the self, it is very difficult position to recognize this aspect in others.
Second, many people have the fantasy that if they try hard, "do it right," be reasonable, logical, and have goodwill and a team approach, these factors will generate a positive outcome in interpersonal or group settings. This is about as deep a fantasy as one could possibly have, as it is not based in reality. Why is this? It is not based in reality because a narcissist survival is dependent on having control, or the perception of control. When a narcissist's control is challenged (and this is what efforts toward sustainability do by definition), he becomes threatened, and responds like his survival is at stake, transforming the environment into a veritable jungle. This is not the friendly environment of Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood! In addition narcissism is disdainful of such attitudes (fantasies).
A third factor which reinforces the stranglehold narcissism can have is when people are committed to being "nice" or fair, and as a result are unwilling or unprepared to hold the narcissist accountable for positions or behaviors. Finally, an unwillingness to "go for the throat," as champions do in sporting events, only allows narcissism to recycle and feed off its commitment to domination.
RECOGNIZING NARCISSISM IN ACTION
When the narcissistic defense is operating in an interpersonal or group setting, the grandiose part does not show its face in public. In public it presents a front of patience, congeniality, and confident reasonableness. However, beneath the surface it is supremely smug and superior. It is confident it can deceive the "fools" or their objective it is committed to blocking, while maintaining its own control and dominance over either the rules, and/or the flow of events.
It is critical to understand that the narcissistic defense is addicted to power and control. It, the defense, and they, the people who are controlled and possessed by the defense, must have power. The addict in the private sector gains power by instantaneously gratifying his needs through drugs, alcohol, sex, or gambling. The addict, or the person or group dominated by the narcissist, gains and holds power by dominating and controlling the flow of information, the rules, and the processes for participating in life.
One of the best places to spot narcissism, unfortunately, is at the top of a company or a public organization. The narcissism can be detected by being sensitive to resistance from the top. The top, or the person or persons at the top, will resist efforts toward change in process or structure. The resistance is communicated through a variety of techniques: always needing more information, appearing confused or having a lack of clarity; excuses; premeditated "blowups" or other distractions from whatever the issues being considered. A common example is as follows: a position needs to be filled in order for an important project to move forward. The boss, preferring control over progress and efficiency, delays and delays the hiring of the new executive, consistently finding something wrong with either the candidates or the search firm.
Another common sign of narcissism is the experience of pressure. This pressure comes from the unrelenting demand for perfection which is necessary to the narcissism if the grandiosity and illusion of omnipotence is to be maintained. The employee or group member will feel pressure either to conform, or to continue producing until exhaustion. The pressure is unpleasant and contains the negative expectation that people can't meet objectives through their own resources and cooperative participation without pressure from above. It devalues pride of accomplishment, commitment, and capacity to follow through and complete tasks.
When narcissism perceives that it could lose control of a situation or process, it often feels threatened. The grandiosity's sense of omnipotence is being threatened. When this happens, narcissism's response can be one of character assassination of those who are threatening its objectives. The presence of character assassination is another way of detecting the presence of narcissism.
There is another important way to recognize narcissism. Narcissism is often contained in language through the use of "I". If a person listens carefully to another's use of "I" one can detect the grandiosity inside, the part speaking for the whole.
INTERACTING EFFECTIVELY WITH NARCISSISM FORCES
Recognizing the presence of narcissistic forces is an important aspect of the transformational process. Moving to the next phase, interacting effectively with narcissistic forces, involves a number of important factors which include: awareness of and freedom from victim complexes, freedom from being intimidated, skills to deal with intimidation efforts, excellent emotional boundaries, accountability skills, skills for building consensus with others in the group, empowering others, and a highly developed inner ability to tolerate frustration and anxiety.
Most people feel victimized by narcissistic forces and narcissists. This is because they have felt consistently oppressed, suppressed, or frustrated by narcissistic forces (e.g. bosses, companies, owners, partners, religious organizations, governments). This becomes problematic in terms of achieving sustainability. When one is in a "victim state," one sees the oppressor as the enemy, as the one with the power, and as a result, the victim is easily manipulated into frustration and anger. The narcissist will utilize this dynamic to incite people into emotional states which can be exploited into distractions from the core issues.
Victim states can be detected by the accent the person puts on "they, them, he or she", which conveys that the other is bad. The most debilitating component of victimhood in terms of sustainability and transformation is that the victim perceives the power as being in the other and outside of oneself. This is in direct opposition to a principle tenet of sustainability that power is shared, and essential power is achieved through collaboration, not dominance.
Narcissistic forces are also critical; they can be harsh in their judgments of anything short of perfection. They can be bullying and abusive in their verbal criticism, daring others to challenge their destructive communication tactics. Their underlying message contains some or all of the following: "I can intimidate you anytime I want. You are afraid to stand up to me, to challenge me. You are weak and spineless. Sometimes I will say something that I know is completely untrue or bullshit just to prove that you won't challenge me." Intimidation is used like a large boulder on a mountain road, saying "deal with me, or go down the mountain, and forget going ahead. I am the roadblock through which you must go."
SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM
Skills for dealing with attempts to intimidate can be divided into two areas, intrapersonal and interpersonal. Intrapersonally, it is essential not to react. This means that reactions of fear, impatience, or anger are not practical. In their place should be patience and curiosity. On an interpersonal level, responses and questions like, "that's interesting; could you explain that?; or, "I am not clear about that; would you please clarify (or elaborate)?; or, "it seems like there is a contradiction in your logic." All of these can generate positive results in terms of reducing the control of the narcissistic forces. This is done through the non-reaction, which communicates, "you are not so powerful that you can manipulate me, or us, and distract us from the issue. It is also done through the questions which communicate, "I/we are not afraid of you; we are not leaving the space/situation to your control alone; we will challenge you if necessary; you cannot win through intimidation or disinformation."
Excellent individual emotional boundaries are so critical for dealing with narcissism. These emotional boundaries prevent the force of the narcissism emotions from throwing an individual off balance. The emotional boundaries are also helpful in not taking the narcissism's actions or positions personally. The narcissism, consumed and driven by the grandiosity, feels responsible for everything; therefore, all failures, frustrations, and disappointments are its fault, and are directed personally at it. In interacting with narcissism, one does not want to fall into the narcissist's world and take what is going on personally. Narcissism's actions are indiscriminate. They are directed toward any object, person or group that threatens its control, domination and grandiosity. An excellent emotional boundary system does not allow the force of another person's emotions to penetrate one's own personal space.
Accountability skills are another important tool in the sustainability advocate's arsenal. Accountability skills, used in group settings, are extremely educational to promote awareness regarding the dynamics of power. Accountability skills reduce the tendency to be a victim, and provide inspiration and support for persons looking for the courage to successfully challenge narcissistic forces. Accountability creates "space" by obligating narcissistic forces to substantiate positions, communication and behavior. Accountability skills generate the conditions that require narcissistic forces to take responsibility for their intent or give up their position.
Questions like the following are the medium for accountability skills:
How did you come to your decision/position?
What factors influenced your decision?
Have you considered the possibility that you are contradicting yourself?
Have you considered that you have avoided considering some important factors?
Can you clarify your intent and how it includes the following factors (e.g. your lack of accurate information/your resistance/your unwarranted/excessive criticism (which is actually character assassination)?
Transformation in accordance with principles of sustainability is dependent upon an individual and groups of individuals having and utilizing sufficient trust in themselves and in natural law to withstand the efforts of narcissistic forces to intimidate, mystify, and control major processes of life. The seeds of empowerment are contained within a world of trust, and its many subsets. There are many areas in which to develop trust before a persons or persons can amass sufficient power to transform the holds narcissistic forces maintain. These include: trust in oneself; trust that natural law supercedes the will and tenacity of narcissistic forces; trusting that narcissistic forces at their core do not come from strength, but from desperation; trust in one's skills to empower others by helping them to break down fears into manageable segments, and by asking questions that challenge others to think for themselves, and take responsibility for their positions.
In order to utilize this deep, inner reservoir of trust it is important to have highly developed tolerances for frustration, ambiguity and anxiety. Transformation often takes a long time and involves complex processes that parallel natural laws obeying temporal factors which are in direct contrast to narcissism's insistence upon immediate gratification. If we examine transformation briefly from the perspectives of biology and chemistry, we will notice that molecular processes continually taking place at the cellular level require heat. Heat is often associated with passion, whose activity is blocked by significant amounts of fear and anxiety. A leader must to able to facilitate the transformation of fear in others, not react to the fear of others, and contain and transform the fear within herself. Without this, focus is lost, and it becomes impossible to manifest the necessary combinations of interdependent resources that sustainability processes require.
LEADERS WHO FOUGHT NARCISSISTIC FORCES
There are many examples of leaders in history, some political, some religious, who have taken stands against narcissistic forces. It could be said that Jesus took a stand against the rigid, all knowing body of the Jewish Sanhedrin. Martin Luther's Wittenberg Doctrine transformed Christianity, breaking the Catholic Church's domination over the teachings of Christ.
One of the most notable political leaders in American history who challenged the forces of narcissism was President Andrew Jackson, the hero of the Battle of New Orleans against the British. Jackson was about to run for re-election approximately 160 years ago. Jackson, like a few other presidents before and after him, whose fraternity of like thinkers included Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln, was embroiled in a battle with Nicholas Biddle, the president of the Bank of the United States. It was Jackson's position, adopted previously by Jefferson, and later by Lincoln, that this central bank, which was private, and not part of the government, did not have the right to control and dominate the money supply for the entire United States of America.
Jackson understood that whoever controlled the money supply basically controlled the economy and the country. Biddle was a part of the "eastern establishment," which at that time was already partnered with foreign interests who were the majority of the stockholders of the Bank of the United States. Biddle attempted to intimidate Jackson by asking for the bank's charter to be renewed earlier than was necessary because he assumed Jackson would not have the courage or principle to take the fight to the people, and run his re-election campaign with the stopping of the bank at the top of its platform. Biddle and his group wanted control and dominance if the economy and the country. Jackson, like Jefferson and Lincoln, believed that the best interests of the vast majority of Americans was not served by a private central bank, whose main motives were profit, power, and control for a select few. Jackson stood his ground, took the fight to the people and won his re-election as Biddle’s attempt at intimidation failed.
CONCLUSION
Unless one has the experience of dealing with narcissism, it is difficult to appreciate how strong a force drives the grandiosity of the narcissism. Remember the phrases, "I am the greatest; I am all powerful; the space is mine; it belongs to me; only what I want matters." Furthermore, since narcissism is ruled by "black and white" thinking, it is great, or it is nothing, and therefore a failure. There is no space for collaboration, for becoming or for emergence of a process.
There are many other examples in history to examine processes involving narcissism and its forces. We can look to family systems and the treatment of addicts if we choose to look at narcissism up close and personal. Wherever we look, however, we find a formidable force that needs to be understood and respected. Good will and motivations to serve the common good need to be complemented by education about processes that interfere with change and transformation.
We now find ourselves at a juncture in history where evolutionary transformation is inevitable. The more information and preparation we have to deal with narcissistic forces, the more able we will be able to remain aligned with transformational processes as they unfold.
About Bruce Gregory
Bruce Gregory, Ph.D. is a corporate behavioral specialist with almost twenty years of experience working with corporations and executives. He specializes in crisis intervention, Leadership training, team building, conflict resolution, and communications Training. He is also the Director of the Masters Program in Counseling Psychology at Ryokan College in Los Angeles. He has led workshops in the Art of Leadership at Esalen Institute. He has worked with corporations both in the United States and Europe. … He can be reached at (818) 781-3098 and his email address is theartofleadership.com
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The Impact of Narcissism on Leadership and Sustainability
http://ceres.ca.gov/tcsf/pathways/chapter12.html#skills
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
How to Handle a Narcissist
By Karen Leland Mar. 1, 2010, 7:00am PDT 51
Years ago, I worked with a woman who scared me silly. And I’m not easily scared. What I found the most frightening was the way she would lie, steal, cheat, manipulate, control, charm and cajole to get what she wanted. Oh, and by the way, she had to be the center of attention at all times as well.
What twisted my brain (and got my undies in bunches) was not that she did all this, but that she managed to do it so skillfully — and get away with it.
She was a master at playing people off each other, telling one story to one person and a different version of that same story to another. She was charming when it suited her and calculating about who she charmed. The upshot of this strategy was that if one of her co-workers (including me) tried to call her on any of it — or bring the behavior to our bosses’ attention — she would put her hands up and innocently say, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
This situation had a devastating effect on team morale and on our productivity, both as a group and as individuals. Problems that would normally have been handled with one quick conversation grew into gigantic group discussions. Decisions that were made and should have been followed with no argument by the whole team became undermined by her personal agenda. And the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I tried every good management consulting strategy I knew, and each and every one of them failed. Stressed, unproductive, angry and with a tightness in my chest that I swore was going to give me a heart attack, I sought out the services of a specialist.
The first thing this top-of-the-line professional asked me to do was describe, without judgment or interpretation, exactly what had happened. As well as I could, I recounted the facts of my encounters with Ms. Personality.
Within five minutes, the therapist began laughing and said, “Ahh, I see what the problem is. You are dealing with a classic, textbook narcissist. Of course nothing you are doing is working; you’re not playing by the same rules.”
He then went on to explain that people who are truly narcissistic, as opposed to the occasional moments of narcissism we all have, are driven to be the center of attention at all times and under all circumstances — and will do just about anything to make that happen. Here is the official definition of a narcissist from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance; is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love; believes that he or she is “special” and unique; requires excessive admiration; has a sense of entitlement; is interpersonally exploitative; lacks empathy; is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her and shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.OK, now’s the part where you should start thinking about the people in your life who might fit this bill.
Connie Dieken, author of the book “Talk Less, Say More,” says that if you’ve ever been the target of a narcissist’s anger or condemnation, their once-charming personality morphs into melt-down mode. “They lob verbal grenades at you and howl at the moon. It’s painful to be on the receiving end of their demanding, demeaning behavior,” says Dieken.
So what’s a web worker to do if a client turns out to be a bona fide nasty narcissist that’s sucking your productivity dry, the way a dog sucks marrow out of a bone? Dieken offers these five tips:
•Give them options. Beneath their bluster, narcissistic people fear being left out of the loop. They crave control. It’s far better to offer them options to choose from, rather than feeding them ready-made decisions. They’ll tear other people’s decisions to shreds. Giving them options helps them feel respected and in control. It also prevents nasty hissy fits.
•Focus on solutions, not problems. When you explain a problem or a challenge to a narcissist, direct their attention to the solution. Don’t allow them to dissect the problem over and over again. Narcissists love drama and revel in the chaos. They’re easily agitated when frustrated. Define problems and present possible solutions, so they don’t smell blood in the water and tear you apart.
•Make them the hero. Narcissists are preoccupied with power and truly believe they are special and unique. They live for attention and admiration. Want them to do something? Tell them how great they are at it and watch them perform. Better yet, praise their performance in front of others. Just keep it real, please.
•Let them think it’s their idea. Narcissists often steal the credit for ideas that aren’t theirs. Why do they do that? Strangely, they truly believe that hijacked results are their own. Grabbing credit is a driving force for them. If this gets things done, I say learn to live with it. Over time, everyone will catch on — wink, wink. Meantime, graciously transferring credit for ideas to them makes things happen.
•Manage their emotional blind spot. Egomaniacs lack empathy. They’re so caught up in their own world that it doesn’t occur to them to consider your feelings or viewpoints. It’s a huge blind spot. You must put your own feelings on the table, if you choose to do so. Just be smart about sharing feelings with a narcissist. Brace yourself for the guilt trips and disparaging criticism that narcissists often dole out when others explain how they feel.
For those of you reading this who have to deal with a narcissist gone wild, you have my empathy, but also my confidence. Knowing what I was dealing with and having some skills to work with, helped keep me sane. I never liked this woman, and I never trusted her, but I was able to quell my internal conflicts and get back to being productive — all while keeping one eye on my back.
Have you known a narcissist? What strategies have you used to handle them?
Years ago, I worked with a woman who scared me silly. And I’m not easily scared. What I found the most frightening was the way she would lie, steal, cheat, manipulate, control, charm and cajole to get what she wanted. Oh, and by the way, she had to be the center of attention at all times as well.
What twisted my brain (and got my undies in bunches) was not that she did all this, but that she managed to do it so skillfully — and get away with it.
She was a master at playing people off each other, telling one story to one person and a different version of that same story to another. She was charming when it suited her and calculating about who she charmed. The upshot of this strategy was that if one of her co-workers (including me) tried to call her on any of it — or bring the behavior to our bosses’ attention — she would put her hands up and innocently say, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
This situation had a devastating effect on team morale and on our productivity, both as a group and as individuals. Problems that would normally have been handled with one quick conversation grew into gigantic group discussions. Decisions that were made and should have been followed with no argument by the whole team became undermined by her personal agenda. And the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I tried every good management consulting strategy I knew, and each and every one of them failed. Stressed, unproductive, angry and with a tightness in my chest that I swore was going to give me a heart attack, I sought out the services of a specialist.
The first thing this top-of-the-line professional asked me to do was describe, without judgment or interpretation, exactly what had happened. As well as I could, I recounted the facts of my encounters with Ms. Personality.
Within five minutes, the therapist began laughing and said, “Ahh, I see what the problem is. You are dealing with a classic, textbook narcissist. Of course nothing you are doing is working; you’re not playing by the same rules.”
He then went on to explain that people who are truly narcissistic, as opposed to the occasional moments of narcissism we all have, are driven to be the center of attention at all times and under all circumstances — and will do just about anything to make that happen. Here is the official definition of a narcissist from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance; is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love; believes that he or she is “special” and unique; requires excessive admiration; has a sense of entitlement; is interpersonally exploitative; lacks empathy; is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her and shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.OK, now’s the part where you should start thinking about the people in your life who might fit this bill.
Connie Dieken, author of the book “Talk Less, Say More,” says that if you’ve ever been the target of a narcissist’s anger or condemnation, their once-charming personality morphs into melt-down mode. “They lob verbal grenades at you and howl at the moon. It’s painful to be on the receiving end of their demanding, demeaning behavior,” says Dieken.
So what’s a web worker to do if a client turns out to be a bona fide nasty narcissist that’s sucking your productivity dry, the way a dog sucks marrow out of a bone? Dieken offers these five tips:
•Give them options. Beneath their bluster, narcissistic people fear being left out of the loop. They crave control. It’s far better to offer them options to choose from, rather than feeding them ready-made decisions. They’ll tear other people’s decisions to shreds. Giving them options helps them feel respected and in control. It also prevents nasty hissy fits.
•Focus on solutions, not problems. When you explain a problem or a challenge to a narcissist, direct their attention to the solution. Don’t allow them to dissect the problem over and over again. Narcissists love drama and revel in the chaos. They’re easily agitated when frustrated. Define problems and present possible solutions, so they don’t smell blood in the water and tear you apart.
•Make them the hero. Narcissists are preoccupied with power and truly believe they are special and unique. They live for attention and admiration. Want them to do something? Tell them how great they are at it and watch them perform. Better yet, praise their performance in front of others. Just keep it real, please.
•Let them think it’s their idea. Narcissists often steal the credit for ideas that aren’t theirs. Why do they do that? Strangely, they truly believe that hijacked results are their own. Grabbing credit is a driving force for them. If this gets things done, I say learn to live with it. Over time, everyone will catch on — wink, wink. Meantime, graciously transferring credit for ideas to them makes things happen.
•Manage their emotional blind spot. Egomaniacs lack empathy. They’re so caught up in their own world that it doesn’t occur to them to consider your feelings or viewpoints. It’s a huge blind spot. You must put your own feelings on the table, if you choose to do so. Just be smart about sharing feelings with a narcissist. Brace yourself for the guilt trips and disparaging criticism that narcissists often dole out when others explain how they feel.
For those of you reading this who have to deal with a narcissist gone wild, you have my empathy, but also my confidence. Knowing what I was dealing with and having some skills to work with, helped keep me sane. I never liked this woman, and I never trusted her, but I was able to quell my internal conflicts and get back to being productive — all while keeping one eye on my back.
Have you known a narcissist? What strategies have you used to handle them?
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Coping with a toxic boss-Nancy the Narcissist
Coping with a toxic boss – “NANCY THE NARCISSIST”By Linnda Durre, Ph.D., Author of Surviving the Toxic Workplace – Protect Yourself Against Co-workers Bosses and Work Environments That Poison Your Day published by McGraw Hill, February 19, 2010.
As a business and corporate consultant and psychotherapist, I’ve analyzed, worked with, and consulted with many difficult bosses over the years. In order to cope and deal with them, you need to know why they act the way they do and how best to deal with them, in order to earn their respect, get things accomplished, change negative situations to positive ones, and preserve your sanity.
In my twice-monthly column, I will help you cope with a different type of boss, whether male or female. The previous ones include: Dick the Dictator, Bashia the Backstabber, Sewell the Sexual Harasser, Carl the Control Freak, Paula the Passive Aggressive, Clayton the Clueless, and Greta the Gossip, Susie the Sugar Coater, Ian the Idea Stealer, and Al the Alcoholic.
This week I discuss another difficult boss — Nancy the Narcissist, who is like Amanda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada.” The world revolves around her and she has no empathy or understanding for anyone. Proceed with caution.
SITUATION: Narcissists can be male or female. You can tell most of them by how impeccably they dress – their clothes, shoes, hair, make-up, nails, accessories, and every detail are all planned and usually of the highest quality – name brands and labels are status symbols to them. Most narcissists surround themselves with “Yes people” because don’t like confrontation or anyone to disagree with them. They insist on having everything go their way. You are merely a cog in the wheel; you are a minor planet who revolves around their sun. Narcissists don’t have friends, they have fans. Having real friends would constitute equality, sharing, being open and fair. They are usually incapable of such emotions.
Narcissism is a pattern of self-centered and selfish behavior. They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They have a lack of empathy and can be selfish, exploitive and manipulative. It’s difficult to get close to them, and they avoid friendships, relationships, and true intimacy.
They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and embellish their achievements and talents, or they expect to be recognized as superior without earning it. They name drop and like to know and be around famous, wealthy, accomplished people. Their grandiosity makes them believe they are special and have a sense of entitlement so they think they deserve special treatment. They think that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they’re doing to do what they want. When they don’t get their way, they can react with hurt or rage, lashing out, saying cruel and hurtful things. They have a great deal of disdain for normal, ordinary, average and hard working people and feel “those people” are worthless.
They live in their own little worlds and have fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, wealth, status, fame, and love. They require a daily diet of ego food so they need a great deal of admiration, praise, compliments, and expect to be bowed to – sometimes literally!
They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They can be very selfish, manipulative, and can take advantage of others, not really caring how it affects others. Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the others – you’ll have to work later, come in early, give up your lunch hour – all to meet their demands, do their errands, and please them.
They lack empathy; they can’t identify with other people’s problems or plights and have a hard time “walking a mile in another’s shoes.” They can be envious of other people and sometimes believe others are envious of them.
EXPLANATION: Their childhoods most likely were emotionally deprived – not enough bonding, love, attachment, and caring from their parents. They grew up believing relationships were dangerous and learned to avoid them. Others were overly praised, never had to work for anything, were given everything they asked for, and were pampered. They grew up without realistic expectations, were told they were perfect and they learned to live in their own little world. Many had narcissistic parents and so their role models were faulty, yet they emulated their parents with the accent on appearances, clothes, status, money, and materialism, believing that gave them self worth, self esteem, and happiness. Oh how wrong they are!
SOLUTION: Be prepared to be fired when and if you confront your narcissistic boss. They don’t like to be told they are wrong, flawed, or doing anything wrong. They believe they are perfect and like to stay in a position of power and control. It is difficult, yet you must set limits. Remember Anne Hathaway’s character Andrea “Andy” Sachs in “The Devil Wears Prada” had to quit. She couldn’t take it anymore, especially after she lost respect for Amanda.
When you confront Nancy, be as tactful as possible. Be prepared for the cold freeze out response and the silent treatment. They may retaliate to get back at you, for even the slightest thing. If it doesn’t get any better, go to HR and discuss it with them. Ask for a meeting with Nancy and the head of HR. If they do nothing, go to Nancy’s boss and ask for a meeting. Be prepared to be fired or you may have to quit if it gets too emotionally stressful for you. There’s a better job out there for you!
When and if you confront Nancy, you many want to say something like this: “Nancy, I enjoy working here and I admire your commitment to excellence. There are times I find your demands unrealistic and you don’t understand that I have a private life. I need to leave at 5 o’clock, and I won’t come in at 7 or 8 in the morning. Running personal errands for you is not in my job description. I do my work, and I think I do a very good job. There are times you seem impossible to please. No matter what I do, it’s not good enough and you criticize and nitpick over minor details that really don’t matter. I’d like you to relax, reel your demands in to earth level, and learn how to compliment me and others on a job well done. I am as committed to excellence as you are, and work is eight hours of my life. I enjoy working here and I hope we can come to an understanding and agreement on things. Thanks so much for listening and I’d like to hear what you have to say.”
—Linnda Durré, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, business consultant, corporate trainer, national speaker, and columnist. She has hosted and co-produced two live call-in TV shows, including “Ask The Family Therapist” on America’s Health Network, which was associated with Mayo Clinic and aired from Universal Orlando. She is the author of “Surviving the Toxic Workplace: Protect Yourself Against Co-Workers, Bosses, and Work Environments That Poison Your Day” (2010 – McGraw-Hill).
As a business and corporate consultant and psychotherapist, I’ve analyzed, worked with, and consulted with many difficult bosses over the years. In order to cope and deal with them, you need to know why they act the way they do and how best to deal with them, in order to earn their respect, get things accomplished, change negative situations to positive ones, and preserve your sanity.
In my twice-monthly column, I will help you cope with a different type of boss, whether male or female. The previous ones include: Dick the Dictator, Bashia the Backstabber, Sewell the Sexual Harasser, Carl the Control Freak, Paula the Passive Aggressive, Clayton the Clueless, and Greta the Gossip, Susie the Sugar Coater, Ian the Idea Stealer, and Al the Alcoholic.
This week I discuss another difficult boss — Nancy the Narcissist, who is like Amanda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada.” The world revolves around her and she has no empathy or understanding for anyone. Proceed with caution.
SITUATION: Narcissists can be male or female. You can tell most of them by how impeccably they dress – their clothes, shoes, hair, make-up, nails, accessories, and every detail are all planned and usually of the highest quality – name brands and labels are status symbols to them. Most narcissists surround themselves with “Yes people” because don’t like confrontation or anyone to disagree with them. They insist on having everything go their way. You are merely a cog in the wheel; you are a minor planet who revolves around their sun. Narcissists don’t have friends, they have fans. Having real friends would constitute equality, sharing, being open and fair. They are usually incapable of such emotions.
Narcissism is a pattern of self-centered and selfish behavior. They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They have a lack of empathy and can be selfish, exploitive and manipulative. It’s difficult to get close to them, and they avoid friendships, relationships, and true intimacy.
They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and embellish their achievements and talents, or they expect to be recognized as superior without earning it. They name drop and like to know and be around famous, wealthy, accomplished people. Their grandiosity makes them believe they are special and have a sense of entitlement so they think they deserve special treatment. They think that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they’re doing to do what they want. When they don’t get their way, they can react with hurt or rage, lashing out, saying cruel and hurtful things. They have a great deal of disdain for normal, ordinary, average and hard working people and feel “those people” are worthless.
They live in their own little worlds and have fantasies of unlimited success, power, intelligence, wealth, status, fame, and love. They require a daily diet of ego food so they need a great deal of admiration, praise, compliments, and expect to be bowed to – sometimes literally!
They can be aloof, snobbish, cold, arrogant, haughty, patronizing, and exhibit contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. They can be very selfish, manipulative, and can take advantage of others, not really caring how it affects others. Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the others – you’ll have to work later, come in early, give up your lunch hour – all to meet their demands, do their errands, and please them.
They lack empathy; they can’t identify with other people’s problems or plights and have a hard time “walking a mile in another’s shoes.” They can be envious of other people and sometimes believe others are envious of them.
EXPLANATION: Their childhoods most likely were emotionally deprived – not enough bonding, love, attachment, and caring from their parents. They grew up believing relationships were dangerous and learned to avoid them. Others were overly praised, never had to work for anything, were given everything they asked for, and were pampered. They grew up without realistic expectations, were told they were perfect and they learned to live in their own little world. Many had narcissistic parents and so their role models were faulty, yet they emulated their parents with the accent on appearances, clothes, status, money, and materialism, believing that gave them self worth, self esteem, and happiness. Oh how wrong they are!
SOLUTION: Be prepared to be fired when and if you confront your narcissistic boss. They don’t like to be told they are wrong, flawed, or doing anything wrong. They believe they are perfect and like to stay in a position of power and control. It is difficult, yet you must set limits. Remember Anne Hathaway’s character Andrea “Andy” Sachs in “The Devil Wears Prada” had to quit. She couldn’t take it anymore, especially after she lost respect for Amanda.
When you confront Nancy, be as tactful as possible. Be prepared for the cold freeze out response and the silent treatment. They may retaliate to get back at you, for even the slightest thing. If it doesn’t get any better, go to HR and discuss it with them. Ask for a meeting with Nancy and the head of HR. If they do nothing, go to Nancy’s boss and ask for a meeting. Be prepared to be fired or you may have to quit if it gets too emotionally stressful for you. There’s a better job out there for you!
When and if you confront Nancy, you many want to say something like this: “Nancy, I enjoy working here and I admire your commitment to excellence. There are times I find your demands unrealistic and you don’t understand that I have a private life. I need to leave at 5 o’clock, and I won’t come in at 7 or 8 in the morning. Running personal errands for you is not in my job description. I do my work, and I think I do a very good job. There are times you seem impossible to please. No matter what I do, it’s not good enough and you criticize and nitpick over minor details that really don’t matter. I’d like you to relax, reel your demands in to earth level, and learn how to compliment me and others on a job well done. I am as committed to excellence as you are, and work is eight hours of my life. I enjoy working here and I hope we can come to an understanding and agreement on things. Thanks so much for listening and I’d like to hear what you have to say.”
—Linnda Durré, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, business consultant, corporate trainer, national speaker, and columnist. She has hosted and co-produced two live call-in TV shows, including “Ask The Family Therapist” on America’s Health Network, which was associated with Mayo Clinic and aired from Universal Orlando. She is the author of “Surviving the Toxic Workplace: Protect Yourself Against Co-Workers, Bosses, and Work Environments That Poison Your Day” (2010 – McGraw-Hill).
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
In the workplace
Toxic Waste: The Narcissistic Employee
It’s highly likely that during your career you’ll come into contact with what’s called the destructive narcissist. Now that’s bad if it’s a co-worker, but if it turns out to be your manager then you have a big problem.
Narcissism is defined as a personality disorder by the National Institutes of Health, where there is an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one’s self. Now that’s a bit of a medical mouthful, but to me the destructive narcissist is simply the worst form of arrogant, controlling and manipulative bullying that occurs in the workplace.
So first of all, how do you spot a destructive narcissist and what traits do they exhibit in the workplace? It’s not hard:
- Destructive narcissists can be flamboyant, charismatic and extremely articulate. In many cases, co-workers and reports are initially won over by their charismatic power.
- They are arrogant and self-centered, expecting to have the floor during meetings and needing special treatment and privileges.
- The narcissistic is patronizing and critical of co-workers but is unwilling to accept any form of criticism. When challenged, the narcissistic can even get into fits of rage.
- They are masters at setting up peer level managers up for failure and will even pit workers against each other.
- In many cases they can be just darn right cruel to their reports, often targeting weakness and harassing people until they quit their jobs.
- They crave what’s called the “narcissistic supply”, that is the supply of workers who can be easily manipulated and pander to their every whim. If you were ever bullied at school, you’ll know these people; they follow the bully around, doing everything to seek favour.
On a personal level, having to deal with destructive narcissists can be bad enough, but if left unchecked by the organization (and in particular HR / personnel) they can create such a traumatic and toxic environment that talented people are forced to leave. Eventually the repeat behaviours of the narcissistic may be called into account and that person may be fired, but this does nothing to protect the business from other narcissists working across the organization. In some situations I’ve even seen such destructive behaviors encouraged by an organization, with narcissists rampant in senior level management and executive positions. I’ll be writing more about these situations in a future blog, but for now if you find yourself working in such a toxic organization I can only advise you to do one thing – leave (and do it quickly).
But enough of the doom and gloom, what can we do at a practical level to address toxic employee issues in the workplace. Well, it’s not easy, since any form of toxic waste is harmful. Moving it to another department won’t remove the problem, it just spreads the poison to another area. Diluting it, my adding more talented folks to the mix doesn’t work either because they’ll eventually succumb to the poison themselves or the productivity of the department will fall dramatically.
Many councillors and psychologists suggest good strategies for dealing with a narcissistic (as a manager or as a report), but to me these are defensive. Narcissists can remain in organizations for years, so it’s not up to a co-worker to just ‘deal with the problem’, but rather the onus is on management and HR to systematically document their behaviors and assess their contribution before they disrupt things dramatically. Remember, narcissistic behavior can cost an organization mega $’s due to stress related illness, absenteeism and rising staff turnover.
This is where talent and performance management can play a key role. As a manager if you suspect one of your team is a destructive narcissist then use the system to document goals, objectives and achievements. Look to set and measure progress based on attributes like inclusion and team work, rather than one off tasks. Once you have a thorough and documented chart of their behaviors and shortfalls, be prepared to work with HR to enact the appropriate strategies. Remember, the destructive narcissist is adept at ‘working around the system’, so make sure the systems you have in place can accurately record and measure their behaviors and any complaints received. At all times ensure swift action is taken, bearing in mind that many talented victims of the destructive narcissist will leave the organization if nothing is done to improve their situation in the short term.
So how do you as a employee, manager or HR professional deal with the toxic employees in the workplace? I’d love to hear from you!
Zapeteo
Living in a land far-far-away, Zapeteo writes about anything and everything related to the management and mentoring of really talented people. As such, he frowns on wooden phrases like ‘human capital management’ and ‘performance-based culture’. Instead preferring to discuss real issues, involving real people and especially what can help them build fruitful and rewarding careers.
It’s highly likely that during your career you’ll come into contact with what’s called the destructive narcissist. Now that’s bad if it’s a co-worker, but if it turns out to be your manager then you have a big problem.
Narcissism is defined as a personality disorder by the National Institutes of Health, where there is an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one’s self. Now that’s a bit of a medical mouthful, but to me the destructive narcissist is simply the worst form of arrogant, controlling and manipulative bullying that occurs in the workplace.
So first of all, how do you spot a destructive narcissist and what traits do they exhibit in the workplace? It’s not hard:
- Destructive narcissists can be flamboyant, charismatic and extremely articulate. In many cases, co-workers and reports are initially won over by their charismatic power.
- They are arrogant and self-centered, expecting to have the floor during meetings and needing special treatment and privileges.
- The narcissistic is patronizing and critical of co-workers but is unwilling to accept any form of criticism. When challenged, the narcissistic can even get into fits of rage.
- They are masters at setting up peer level managers up for failure and will even pit workers against each other.
- In many cases they can be just darn right cruel to their reports, often targeting weakness and harassing people until they quit their jobs.
- They crave what’s called the “narcissistic supply”, that is the supply of workers who can be easily manipulated and pander to their every whim. If you were ever bullied at school, you’ll know these people; they follow the bully around, doing everything to seek favour.
On a personal level, having to deal with destructive narcissists can be bad enough, but if left unchecked by the organization (and in particular HR / personnel) they can create such a traumatic and toxic environment that talented people are forced to leave. Eventually the repeat behaviours of the narcissistic may be called into account and that person may be fired, but this does nothing to protect the business from other narcissists working across the organization. In some situations I’ve even seen such destructive behaviors encouraged by an organization, with narcissists rampant in senior level management and executive positions. I’ll be writing more about these situations in a future blog, but for now if you find yourself working in such a toxic organization I can only advise you to do one thing – leave (and do it quickly).
But enough of the doom and gloom, what can we do at a practical level to address toxic employee issues in the workplace. Well, it’s not easy, since any form of toxic waste is harmful. Moving it to another department won’t remove the problem, it just spreads the poison to another area. Diluting it, my adding more talented folks to the mix doesn’t work either because they’ll eventually succumb to the poison themselves or the productivity of the department will fall dramatically.
Many councillors and psychologists suggest good strategies for dealing with a narcissistic (as a manager or as a report), but to me these are defensive. Narcissists can remain in organizations for years, so it’s not up to a co-worker to just ‘deal with the problem’, but rather the onus is on management and HR to systematically document their behaviors and assess their contribution before they disrupt things dramatically. Remember, narcissistic behavior can cost an organization mega $’s due to stress related illness, absenteeism and rising staff turnover.
This is where talent and performance management can play a key role. As a manager if you suspect one of your team is a destructive narcissist then use the system to document goals, objectives and achievements. Look to set and measure progress based on attributes like inclusion and team work, rather than one off tasks. Once you have a thorough and documented chart of their behaviors and shortfalls, be prepared to work with HR to enact the appropriate strategies. Remember, the destructive narcissist is adept at ‘working around the system’, so make sure the systems you have in place can accurately record and measure their behaviors and any complaints received. At all times ensure swift action is taken, bearing in mind that many talented victims of the destructive narcissist will leave the organization if nothing is done to improve their situation in the short term.
So how do you as a employee, manager or HR professional deal with the toxic employees in the workplace? I’d love to hear from you!
Zapeteo
Living in a land far-far-away, Zapeteo writes about anything and everything related to the management and mentoring of really talented people. As such, he frowns on wooden phrases like ‘human capital management’ and ‘performance-based culture’. Instead preferring to discuss real issues, involving real people and especially what can help them build fruitful and rewarding careers.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Observing the Narcissist
Ah, yes. The mouth opens and a fiery of hurtful words come rushing out. They are spread to every ear in sight. And the world must join the hateclub that the narcissist is the leader of.
The remarkable amount of followers keeps multiplying, and I'm amazed. People deal with this poison and maybe try to avoid being the next victim. Stay low under that radar or you might be next.
But with each explosion and new topic of the hateclub comes the opportunity for one brave soul to call "bullshit" on the whole thing.
We will see how this pans out.....
The remarkable amount of followers keeps multiplying, and I'm amazed. People deal with this poison and maybe try to avoid being the next victim. Stay low under that radar or you might be next.
But with each explosion and new topic of the hateclub comes the opportunity for one brave soul to call "bullshit" on the whole thing.
We will see how this pans out.....
Mommy Meanest?
Mommy meanest? The dark side of mom blogs
News Type: Event — Fri Apr 9, 2010 9:55 AM EDT
health, web, parenting, bloggers, moms
TODAYMoms
"Those who don't vaccinate deserve to have their children take away."
"Stop taking care of your husband's issues and get a real job."
"You still breastfeed your 18-month old, that's weird!"
While the online mommy community is generally of a positive, supportive nature, there are a few bad, judgmental apples in the bunch. Some criticize others on everything from their parenting style to their sex life. And for many, getting slammed on a blog feels like high school cattiness all over again. Several well-known bloggers, including Isabel Kallman of alphamom.com and Jen Singer of mommysaid.net, appeared on TODAY to discuss the dark side of mommy blogs, detailing the often bitter, super-critical and downright mean tones prevalent on popular blogs. They also shared smart advice on how to move forward after a negative experience.
News Type: Event — Fri Apr 9, 2010 9:55 AM EDT
health, web, parenting, bloggers, moms
TODAYMoms
"Those who don't vaccinate deserve to have their children take away."
"Stop taking care of your husband's issues and get a real job."
"You still breastfeed your 18-month old, that's weird!"
While the online mommy community is generally of a positive, supportive nature, there are a few bad, judgmental apples in the bunch. Some criticize others on everything from their parenting style to their sex life. And for many, getting slammed on a blog feels like high school cattiness all over again. Several well-known bloggers, including Isabel Kallman of alphamom.com and Jen Singer of mommysaid.net, appeared on TODAY to discuss the dark side of mommy blogs, detailing the often bitter, super-critical and downright mean tones prevalent on popular blogs. They also shared smart advice on how to move forward after a negative experience.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
How to Spot Friends, Enemies, Frenemies and Bullies
Stop bullies and discover who's a friend, an enemy, or in-between.
Published on March 31, 2010
Have you ever been confused about whether to call a schoolmate, family member, coworker, employee, boss, partner, acquaintance, or social contact a friend, an enemy, even a bully, or something in between - a "frenemy?" It turns out that getting clarity, identifying the taxonomy, taking action to prevent sadness, harm or even tragedy is possible, as confusing as it looks on first glance.
We owe Phoebe Prince, Megan Meier, and so many others like them an immediate attempt at understanding and stopping bullying. In its place there needs to be the opposite - an understanding of exactly what makes for a friend.
Maybe you've been on Facebook, Twitter, online matchmaking sites, or had email exchanges with an acquaintance or business contact, or schoolmate and felt concerned about your privacy, being labelled, slandered, or objectified for lack being known personally, or worrying about their intentions?
There's actually a quick, practical way of assessing this.
It may be a more important time than ever to know not just who your friends and enemies are, but those confusing social interactions which, for lack of personal information, connection and in-person meeting, are somewhere in between.
Whether we are talking about women or men, I am sure you have been "crossed" in your time - betrayed, let down, cheated, used, disrespected, or at least turned off in your friendships or dating. It's never been as raw, painful, and as urgent to understand the roots of these as it is right now - in light of yet another suicide in a youth after being chronically bullied - the sad story of Phoebe Prince.
I've thought about this a lot over the past few months, taking people I know or have known, side by side, and wondering what the common factors are. What was the common element in someone who proves to be a friend, an enemy, a bully or a "frenemy" after all is said and done.
This word, "frenemy," is one of those wonderful, comic neologisms was first mentioned on the TV drama, Sex and the City and more recently joked about by Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert, and yet on further reflection, you may realize that it is an incredibly useful word. It addresses those situations where someone smiles to our face, but eventually proves true to have had ulterior motives toward us. Someone who gives us praise one moment, but spreads gossip unnoticed by us the very next. Someone we hire as a consultant, for a service, or for guidance, or whom we know collegially, but are never quite sure is on our side. Is it the money we pay them, the interests we share or differ on, or simply because they are mature enough to often do what's right by others?
Maybe you have noticed that it's very possible to "like" a person and yet not "love" them, or to "love" a person but not "like" them at the moment. This dual aspect of liking and loving in a friendship occurs because these states take place in different areas of the brain. Intellectually, we "like those who are like us," as Robert Cialdini states in his book, Influence: the Power of Persuasion. We like those who share opinions, beliefs, values, goals and common experience or background. Emotionally, we love each other because, simply, we make each other happy and raise each other's self esteem. (Both of these are different things from "desire" or "passion.")
So we have a constructive criticism for our friends, in which we advise, point out flaws, suggest and direct them toward maturity and right without causing offense. We "like those who are like us," and yet, reciprocal altruism is also present in which we "like those who like us." Which is much like being an advocate for each other.
Critical Advocacy
Whether looking at an auto mechanic, a doctor, lawyer, business partner, cosigner on a loan, journalist you are working with, member of a sports team, club, or even someone you are considering to marry, there is an especially useful way to look at people, their intentions toward you, and the quality and degree of friendship bonds you share.
It turns out there are only two common factors to look at, and only one profile of another person absolutely guarantees they are on your side, on your team, and "with you" for the long haul.
I encapsulate it in a phrase I use now, called "Critical Advocacy."
Watching the latest celebrity scandals, political conflicts such as the atrocious harassment of Congressmen, or the ever shifting journalism landscape away from "just the facts" toward what they are calling "Advocacy Journalism," I looked at this term and wondered how it compared to the old view of the classical Critic - one who could be of either the constructive or destructive variety.
Add to this some thought about how important communication is in both our friendships and conflicts, and its inaccuracy when we don't really know others so well personally - that objectification of others that happens through electronic communication at times, and causes "spamming," "flaming," and the threatening, annoying, anonymous naysayers so known to clutter the internet with spiteful, hateful, childish comments.
Clearly, communication has two aspects - it conveys data on the one hand, but emotion on the other.
To read the actions and words of another through a filter for friendship, enemies, and everything in between - "frenemies" - we would need to address both parts. Both the "data" and the "emotion" in their behavior toward us.
"Critical Advocacy" fits that bill.
Your Critics
Someone who is a "critic" in your life - of the positive kind - has the three C's: Concern, Competence, and Constructiveness.
1. First, they are concerned about you enough to want details, and to speak in those details. They have the ability to pay attention to the world around them. They don't make flippant, sloppy, or thoughtless comments about you or in conversation with you. They are "present." They are self-aware, and observant.
2. They are competent to have an opinion on you, your life, and your actions. They aren't ill-informed about who you are, the issues at hand, and have some knowledge and experience with both. Not merely dependent on sheer intelligence, or necessitating it at all, they have a desire to learn and teach, have "lived in yoru shoes," or at least empathy about what it would be like to be you. Some of their expertise may be through formal education, but some through life's experience at the situations at hand. They know what they are talking about in other words.
3. And finally, they are constructive - positive and encouraging, not negative and destructive. They offer solutions and thoughtful suggestions, not merely a period at the end of a negative sentence. This necessitates having good boundaries and maturity, to be a collaborator and compromiser, willing to change their view with new information.
In other words, the Critic addresses the "data" - information about you and the friendship from a place of a mature intellect.
Destructive criticism is negative, opinion-based, and may even then be contaminated with a troubed personal history that has nothing to do with you.
Constructive criticism can be positive, but may be neutral, like a classical, admirable journalist of years past, and while the friend with critical skill may point out things to you that you could do better, need to change, or are even wrongful, they most often will also pair that with a suggested path to better living, solutions, and mutual happiness.
If you've ever had a friend, coworker or romantic relationship in which you knew the person was probably right in their opinion about you, but you left the interaction feeling shame, diminished self-esteem, or confused as to what to do next, you probably had just experienced destructive criticism from someone you can now be sure was other than a real friend.
In their communication to you, look for insight and competence, concern and attention, and the maturity that carries constructiveness with it. You need to know that they know what they are talking about - that they are a fit judge of you and your worth.
Published on March 31, 2010
Have you ever been confused about whether to call a schoolmate, family member, coworker, employee, boss, partner, acquaintance, or social contact a friend, an enemy, even a bully, or something in between - a "frenemy?" It turns out that getting clarity, identifying the taxonomy, taking action to prevent sadness, harm or even tragedy is possible, as confusing as it looks on first glance.
We owe Phoebe Prince, Megan Meier, and so many others like them an immediate attempt at understanding and stopping bullying. In its place there needs to be the opposite - an understanding of exactly what makes for a friend.
Maybe you've been on Facebook, Twitter, online matchmaking sites, or had email exchanges with an acquaintance or business contact, or schoolmate and felt concerned about your privacy, being labelled, slandered, or objectified for lack being known personally, or worrying about their intentions?
There's actually a quick, practical way of assessing this.
It may be a more important time than ever to know not just who your friends and enemies are, but those confusing social interactions which, for lack of personal information, connection and in-person meeting, are somewhere in between.
Whether we are talking about women or men, I am sure you have been "crossed" in your time - betrayed, let down, cheated, used, disrespected, or at least turned off in your friendships or dating. It's never been as raw, painful, and as urgent to understand the roots of these as it is right now - in light of yet another suicide in a youth after being chronically bullied - the sad story of Phoebe Prince.
I've thought about this a lot over the past few months, taking people I know or have known, side by side, and wondering what the common factors are. What was the common element in someone who proves to be a friend, an enemy, a bully or a "frenemy" after all is said and done.
This word, "frenemy," is one of those wonderful, comic neologisms was first mentioned on the TV drama, Sex and the City and more recently joked about by Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert, and yet on further reflection, you may realize that it is an incredibly useful word. It addresses those situations where someone smiles to our face, but eventually proves true to have had ulterior motives toward us. Someone who gives us praise one moment, but spreads gossip unnoticed by us the very next. Someone we hire as a consultant, for a service, or for guidance, or whom we know collegially, but are never quite sure is on our side. Is it the money we pay them, the interests we share or differ on, or simply because they are mature enough to often do what's right by others?
Maybe you have noticed that it's very possible to "like" a person and yet not "love" them, or to "love" a person but not "like" them at the moment. This dual aspect of liking and loving in a friendship occurs because these states take place in different areas of the brain. Intellectually, we "like those who are like us," as Robert Cialdini states in his book, Influence: the Power of Persuasion. We like those who share opinions, beliefs, values, goals and common experience or background. Emotionally, we love each other because, simply, we make each other happy and raise each other's self esteem. (Both of these are different things from "desire" or "passion.")
So we have a constructive criticism for our friends, in which we advise, point out flaws, suggest and direct them toward maturity and right without causing offense. We "like those who are like us," and yet, reciprocal altruism is also present in which we "like those who like us." Which is much like being an advocate for each other.
Critical Advocacy
Whether looking at an auto mechanic, a doctor, lawyer, business partner, cosigner on a loan, journalist you are working with, member of a sports team, club, or even someone you are considering to marry, there is an especially useful way to look at people, their intentions toward you, and the quality and degree of friendship bonds you share.
It turns out there are only two common factors to look at, and only one profile of another person absolutely guarantees they are on your side, on your team, and "with you" for the long haul.
I encapsulate it in a phrase I use now, called "Critical Advocacy."
Watching the latest celebrity scandals, political conflicts such as the atrocious harassment of Congressmen, or the ever shifting journalism landscape away from "just the facts" toward what they are calling "Advocacy Journalism," I looked at this term and wondered how it compared to the old view of the classical Critic - one who could be of either the constructive or destructive variety.
Add to this some thought about how important communication is in both our friendships and conflicts, and its inaccuracy when we don't really know others so well personally - that objectification of others that happens through electronic communication at times, and causes "spamming," "flaming," and the threatening, annoying, anonymous naysayers so known to clutter the internet with spiteful, hateful, childish comments.
Clearly, communication has two aspects - it conveys data on the one hand, but emotion on the other.
To read the actions and words of another through a filter for friendship, enemies, and everything in between - "frenemies" - we would need to address both parts. Both the "data" and the "emotion" in their behavior toward us.
"Critical Advocacy" fits that bill.
Your Critics
Someone who is a "critic" in your life - of the positive kind - has the three C's: Concern, Competence, and Constructiveness.
1. First, they are concerned about you enough to want details, and to speak in those details. They have the ability to pay attention to the world around them. They don't make flippant, sloppy, or thoughtless comments about you or in conversation with you. They are "present." They are self-aware, and observant.
2. They are competent to have an opinion on you, your life, and your actions. They aren't ill-informed about who you are, the issues at hand, and have some knowledge and experience with both. Not merely dependent on sheer intelligence, or necessitating it at all, they have a desire to learn and teach, have "lived in yoru shoes," or at least empathy about what it would be like to be you. Some of their expertise may be through formal education, but some through life's experience at the situations at hand. They know what they are talking about in other words.
3. And finally, they are constructive - positive and encouraging, not negative and destructive. They offer solutions and thoughtful suggestions, not merely a period at the end of a negative sentence. This necessitates having good boundaries and maturity, to be a collaborator and compromiser, willing to change their view with new information.
In other words, the Critic addresses the "data" - information about you and the friendship from a place of a mature intellect.
Destructive criticism is negative, opinion-based, and may even then be contaminated with a troubed personal history that has nothing to do with you.
Constructive criticism can be positive, but may be neutral, like a classical, admirable journalist of years past, and while the friend with critical skill may point out things to you that you could do better, need to change, or are even wrongful, they most often will also pair that with a suggested path to better living, solutions, and mutual happiness.
If you've ever had a friend, coworker or romantic relationship in which you knew the person was probably right in their opinion about you, but you left the interaction feeling shame, diminished self-esteem, or confused as to what to do next, you probably had just experienced destructive criticism from someone you can now be sure was other than a real friend.
In their communication to you, look for insight and competence, concern and attention, and the maturity that carries constructiveness with it. You need to know that they know what they are talking about - that they are a fit judge of you and your worth.
Benefits to having a Narcissistic Boss?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Narcissistic personality disorder: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com
Narcissistic personality disorder: Symptoms - MayoClinic.com: "Symptoms
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
Believing that you're better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional"
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
Believing that you're better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional"
Narcissistic personality disorder - MayoClinic.com
Narcissistic personality disorder - MayoClinic.com: "Definition
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.
Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around psychotherapy."
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.
Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around psychotherapy."
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